I love my man; albeit, it has become rather foreign to me to incorporate his life into my own. We both grew up as only children, so it is expected for the two of us to feel somewhat selfish, and expect for things to go the way(s) in which we envision/plan. We seriously discuss marrying one another daily. He has asked me to marry him at least 5 different times.
We have had one BIG fight…an argument that caused me to leave and go to my Nana’s for about a week. He requested that I take the dogs, and go to my Nana’s for a bit.
(To be continued…I’m hurting too much to explain more)
I am never going to be enough:
Life is a complete opposite of how I “knew” it would be.
It’s not that I WON’T work for it.
I’ve finally accepted that I can’t.
I do not know what I’m supposed to do; I do not know who I’m supposed to be.
I despise the fact that it thinks so immaturely at times.
Isn’t it funny how we never see what is right in front of our face and instead allow self-doubts to make a “home” in our brain? Every person relies on others to give them validation that something is true–even if some people rely on the validation of other people more than others do; we all need to be validated.
It amazes me that our own self-doubts can cause us to see things in the opposite way that they really are. This is mostly true of southern people from the United States. And those people are normally southern women.
People in New England are seen as ‘brash’…people on the west coast are seen as artistically ditzy. I have been to the East and West coast, and I believe that southern women could stand to learn a thing or two from New Englander’s and “surfer types.”
But, I also believe those coasts could stand to learn a lot from the ways of southerners…
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.” – Mae West
And that is true. Love does help with coping with the things that normally make you feel as if everything is going to be A-OK…if it is in a happy state. If things are not completely well, love can make you feel as if everything sucks and the world is out to get you. I am in the middle of those feelings at the present…leaning more toward my 2nd explanation of the feelings love can give you.
I have been told for YEARS that I should be a writer. I always wrote at a time when I felt the need to get stuff off of my chest/heart. I never wanted to benefit lucratively from expressing myself. I have only recently accepted that I was meant to write.
Since the accident, I am still very good at writing…and yes, more people have tried to convince me that I should use my skills as a creative writer to make a living. Mom has been so adamantly positive that is what I need to do and many other people (including college teachers/professors) stand by that belief–even now that I have a TBI.
This weekend, a friend from my days in radio (+/- 10 years ago), reiterated the things that people have told me for years. His belief in me has made me truly feel that I am able to do this…we were never GOOD friends, so the fact that he sees that about me means so much. I feel silly because my own mother has had faith in me for YEARS, yet I never truly tried to do anything with my talent.
Now that he has asserted his own belief in my ability to write, I feel confident (I have always felt that Mom and family/friends were perhaps a wee bit prejudice). Reuniting with him after ten years made me realize that I have always admired him, so I respect his opinion and he has a way of making me feel empowered. Yes, I am aware how silly that may seem to you about feeling empowered, but it is the truth.
I believe now what my Mom & my step-dad have been saying about the fact that I should write…truthfully, I don’t think that anything can stop me. Now, it is going to be difficult for me to write blogs because I am such a stickler for grammar/punctuation. But, I am going to try my best…I have far too many people standing behind me and waiting for my first novel. Which reminds me, the dedication page is going to be at least 3 pages long! 🙂
It’s true that once you realize you love someone romantically, a part of your heart will forever be reserved for them. If things do not work in that relationship, it is the part that you are no longer attached to that always loves the person; in essence, it is the small part of your heart that has died. And with that death, a brand new part of your heart is cultivated to grow. And grow it will.
You are no longer attached to the feeling(s) that made you once believe that your life was not at all worth living without the love of some specific person. It is my belief that people allow themselves to be treated in the negative way(s) in which the person sees him/herself internally. It is increasingly difficult for people in the American culture to accept that she/he deserves to be treated with respect. That is why so many relationships are discouraging.
When someone makes you feel as if you deserve only good things and that person backs up the words with actions, why do we tell ourselves that we don’t deserve this and oftentimes run to the painful relationship (not always the romantic sort)? Why is it always easier to believe that negative things are what you deserve in life?
Sure, you may say that you deserve more than what you are receiving in your love life, but do you truly believe what you are saying to those around you? Sometimes, it takes encouraging words of someone who knows you better than you thought to make you “wake up” and recognize that your life has not been determined for you because of particular circumstances in it. Instead, it becomes a new birth for your life.
“When a heart finds another, what’s a cloud more or less in the sky?” – Wolf and Page