PENDING

I am uncertain if it is because of my TBI or if it is just my “built-in” laziness for thinking of doing something…and rarely achieving that goal sooner than later. I have thought of writing in this ‘blog;’ but I don’t ever find the time. I blame it on being I am a house”wife”…and our “children” (pups) need my attention…I blame the not finding time to write on having to cook dinner, and do laundry…it seems to me that I always wish to write more when I am writing solely for my eyes/comprehension. I get a bit “gun-shy” when I KNOW for a fact that my words are being read.

Even if people in my every day life are telling me that “I’ve been reading your blog” … people from my 2nd home country of England are informing my love that they are reading my blog … random strangers are “liking” the blog on FB … random folks are following the blog and random people are getting E-mail updates. It is this part of being a writer that scares me the most. As I have said MANY times before; when I write…it is what I am feeling; and I have always been very guarded with sharing my emotions…for fear of being hurt.

My partner in life (thank you for allowing me to feel validated in saying that, “Mike”) has helped me to realize that I can share how I feel and what I think…I don’t have to worry about anyone’s opinions. I have been trying for almost 20 years to do this; “this,” being that I have been trying to feel as if I can write…and have others read my work for such a long time.

Publishing my poetry online (and having 2 of the poems published in a book); led to my releasing the fears mentioned before. I am incredibly fearful of sharing my thoughts / feelings. For those who know me, the fact that I said that is really surprising; I have always been vocal about what I think.

I tried to use ‘prompts’ to write fictional pieces, and found that I was always incorporating a bit of truth into the works. I am attending a seminar this Saturday; at the seminar, I hope that the local blogger, now turned business woman, is able to fuel my NEED to settle on a particular way of writing.

I am better at writing “journal-esque” types…but, I have found that I can write fiction. I just need more practice with that…the few short(!) stories I have written are under the heading “Will these matches turn to kindling?”I chose that title because I would get my prompts for writing from a book entitled “The Writer’s Book of Matches: 1001 Prompts To Ignite Your Fiction.” Even with those prompts, I would change a key element in the prompt…to sort of make it “my own.”

I appreciate you for sticking with me…I AM a writer. I accepted that a few years ago when I was going to a University to get a degree in Communications with an emphasis of Broadcasting. Even my instructors then told me I need to be a writer…  Family/friends/high school teachers/junior college teachers/instructors at a University (one who actually wrote several pieces for TIME magazine) all have believed that I should use the talent.

Okay, I am going to try…please bear with me; as I’ve mentioned earlier, I tend to ‘shut down’ when I realize people are reading my work. WISH ME LUCK!

Acceptance

When I am happy deep inside of myself; I want to go out and play the part.

Similarly, when I am conflicted within my core; my creativity flows.

I don’t write when there isn’t anything plaguing my brain…my feelings…my heart.

Maybe this is why I seek out the most complications; to fuel my creative productivity.

All artists are melancholy, that fact is well known; when sad or mad, the expression glows.

If I am happy, I desperately try to seek out my beautiful creative spirit for activity.

As of late, that is why my writing prospects seemed dim;

To write well, I need to feel jaded—instead of elated.

Even if I have not felt this strongly for another since my absolute best friend; I refuse to allow this man’s lack of action to make me feel so grim.

I have been told for YEARS that I should be a writer. I always wrote at a time when I felt the need to get stuff off of my chest/heart. I never wanted to benefit lucratively from expressing myself. I have only recently accepted that I was meant to write.

Since the accident, I am still very good at writing…and yes, more people have tried to convince me that I should use my skills as a creative writer to make a living. Mom has been so adamantly positive that is what I need to do and many other people (including college teachers/professors) stand by that belief–even now that I have a TBI.

This weekend, a friend from my days in radio (+/- 10 years ago), reiterated the things that people have told me for years. His belief in me has made me truly feel that I am able to do this…we were never GOOD friends, so the fact that he sees that about me means so much. I feel silly because my own mother has had faith in me for YEARS, yet I never truly tried to do anything with my talent.

Now that he has asserted his own belief in my ability to write, I feel confident (I have always felt that Mom and family/friends were perhaps a wee bit prejudice). Reuniting with him after ten years made me realize that I have always admired him, so I respect his opinion and he has a way of making me feel empowered. Yes, I am aware how silly that may seem to you about feeling empowered, but it is the truth.

I believe now what my Mom & my step-dad have been saying about the fact that I should write…truthfully, I don’t think that anything can stop me. Now, it is going to be difficult for me to write blogs because I am such a stickler for grammar/punctuation. But, I am going to try my best…I have far too many people standing behind me and waiting for my first novel. Which reminds me, the dedication page is going to be at least 3 pages long! 🙂