I am far too sensitive. I “read” too much into little things, or the lack thereof. Perhaps, females are catty and my previous post was prudent, after all.
Which is why I have always gotten along so much better with males. When I shared my feelings with HUD about why I think the majority of the girl friends/wives of his guy friends hate me; HUD told me something akin to, “don’t worry about it, baby,”
…and then proceeded to explain why he did not want to hear it; continually saying, “don’t allow that negative energy to make you feel bad” (or something like that). It’s a refreshing thing sometimes when I am reminded of his beautiful outlook on life; albeit, many times, after I have expressed how I feel about something such as this, he reminds me that he does not care about the outside world.
When I gripe about how something (in this case, females, treat me as if I am a person with some sort of contagious disease) upsets me, something “trivial,” that is, HUD expresses that all that concerns him, is the world he shares with me and the pups. That makes me feel special. I am his number one priority…after the priority he has to himself, of course. My happiness is what he strives to obtain. Still, it unnerves me when he is so indifferent about the things that are causing me to feel negatively. I know he cares about me and how I feel; it is infuriating to me when he deems the feeling(s) I have as one(s) that are able to be forgotten.
As I was saying, when I shared my feelings with HUD about how the majority of the females in his guy friends life treated me when we were spending time with a group of them last night; HUD dismissed it and told me that I should not allow the negative energy that they let out to affect me. Honestly, I am not at all interested in being accepted into their “club.” Meaning, I do not want to be a typical female (like the females of this group of whom I speak are your ‘TYPICAL’ females).
I feel as if I am shunned…it has always been this way with me and women. I’ve always had male friends because of this. HUD told me that I have always had guy friends because I am hot and the females are just jealous. THAT did not help me. At all. True, the majority of males who I have befriended, begin the friendship with me and they have different motives. BUT NOT ME! My motives are of the most pure and innocent intent.
I have a select few male friends who I ever had any romantic interest in; and the ones I did have romantic interest in, are happily committed to another person. I am happily committed to sharing my life with HUD; therefore I have not any sort of romantic/flirting interest with any other!
I lost a great deal of self-confidence when I was recovering from the TBI. It is pretty much returned…until I’m around catty females. I mean, before, I was able to just take the attitudes with a grain of salt, and not allow it to affect me in any way. I would actually go out of my way to be nice to the female(s)…but, now that I am back to being “me” and I don’t allow my lack of self-confidence to show too much; for the most part, I am finding that females simply dislike me.
So, perhaps, it is due to how I like myself…and I don’t care if others like me (at least I make it appear that way). I used to believe that women did not like me, because I was flirty with their man. I would not aim to flirt, but I accepted that my natural charm seemed flirty to them. I’ve come to the conclusion, that women just don’t like me.
Last night, while hanging out with friends of HUD’s; three other women were present. About six males were there, three of whom are in a relationship/marriage three other women who were also there, and one other male who is engaged to a female who was not present. We will call that guy, ‘Stallone.’
Stallone’s fiancée and I are cool. She is very accepting of me; always is the first to go for a hug when we see the other. She is very REAL; I met her in person almost one year ago, and she added me on ‘Facebook’ the day after .
Stallone seemed to not want to associate with me…I’m guessing because his best friend’s wife has expressed her negative feelings about me. The first time I met Stallone; he was super friendly with me, and he always is when his fiancée is present. Stallone’s best friend is ‘Damien.’ Even Damien did not want to talk to me; he was keeping his distance. Damien and Stallone, both were incredibly friendly and chatty with me the first night I met the two men.
I spent all of last night, sitting next to Faye, and chatting with her. The other two women who were present, sat in chairs across the porch from Faye and me. Those women did not talk to us…I’m not saying that they ignored us; we 4 just did not associate much. It wasn’t purposeful, we four women just didn’t have anything to talk about last night; so we each chatted exclusively with the woman who we were originally sitting.
The person’s house we were at last night (‘Faye’), is always incredibly “real” with me…she is friendly, and always happy to see me. She told me that she loved me before HUD and I left to go home last night. Faye said that I should come visit her during the day (while our other half’s are at work) sometime.
HUD and I were the last to leave for the evening; neither of the women who left said ‘good bye’ to me, but HUD was given a good bye. Faye hugged both HUD and me, inviting the two of us to come back over to see her and her husband. I am guessing that the reason Damien’s wife, “Victoria,” does not talk to me and gives me the ‘woman’s cold shoulder’ is because “Sherri’s” daughter hates me. Therefore, Sherri, is not at all accepting of me any longer. Although, I am not at all worried about Sherri failing to say goodbye; she was consoling her husband…whose mother had just been buried.
HUD tells me that if Sherri’s daughter has a problem with you…you can understand why Sherri isn’t as nice to you.” No. No, I cannot…HUD makes excuses for Sherri because they have a long friendship, and she has been a good friend to him for years (I understand, and am not aiming to make HUD choose “sides”). I do not tell HUD how I feel in an attempt to make him mad at Sherri. If Sherri’s daughter has an immature problem with me, because she is a teenager, I do not excuse Sherri for behaving the way she does with me now. We are adults; if Sherri dislikes me, she needs to talk to me about it–not use her daughter’s teenage woes as a passive-aggressive way to make me feel like an outcast!
But, I suppose I should speak to Sherri as opposed to writing in my blog. I haven’t a problem with talking to Sherri about my feelings…but, I do not wish to anger HUD. I know how much she means to him, and I do not ever want to try to make him choose…so, I decide to type my feelings out, instead of talking about them.
I just need to vent. I will probably be asked not to blog about this IF HUD does, in fact, read my blog. I have to get my feelings out. Else, I will hold them in, and express them in other ways…NEGATIVE ways.
oh, I am enlightened because I find that no matter what I do…the majority of women hate me. I could care less, really. And HUD is wrong about the reason males like me; I am flippin’ cool…and REAL.
A nice two days with my Mom were had this week. She and her oldest sister, visiting from several states away, met me at the water park in my hometown.
This is the same park that HUD worked at for so many years. Also, my best friend in high school, was a lifeguard there as well. I did not go to the Park very often, because I was always working; plus, any free time I had, I used to catch up on my sleep! For, when I was working in radio, the last thing I wanted to do was spend time in the town where I am finally proud from which to hail! Mom, my Aunt, and I spent the entire day together at the water park, Tuesday.
My Aunt had a good time; she was riding ALL of the water slides. Wanting to not have my Aunt wait in line and go alone; I, too, rode on each slide-multiple times! If my Aunt had not been there; I would have NEVER ridden the water slides so many different times. Like my mother, I would have contentedly float on something in the HUGE pool.
My Aunt said: “We are going to get your Mom to ride slides with us in a bit.” I retorted something akin to; “Mom likes to float in the pool; she’s not gonna come ride slides with us.” My Aunt heard me, but she was not going to give up without a fight.
The park features a huge pool, water slides, a picnic area, plus pavilions and grills.
views of the gigantic pool
After my Aunt and I had ridden a particularly slow-moving slide, she said to me, “Your mom would like this,” while I gave her a look of disagreement; she said, “let’s go get her.” Begrudgingly, I accompanied my Aunt to fetch my mom, still convinced that Mom was NOT going to willingly leave her float so she could ride slides with us. My Aunt’s ability to simply request ONE TIME that her youngest sister ride slides with us; amazed me, when my mother did not even try to get out of it, and succumbed to her sister’s request so easily.
I recall thinking that this is how it must have been while the two were growing up…my Aunt asserting her wishes, not at all violently, with her having 6-7 years seniority on the youngest child of five others (my Mom). My Aunt didn’t need to assert her seniority to remind her little red headed sister, when the two were children, so, Aunt “Minkie” still need not remind my mother of her seniority. My mom has always respected and admired her oldest sister.
The three of us rode the slowest slides; my Aunt and I discovered that, depending on the side of the mat you sat; the speed in which you accelerated was affected. Mom also willingly rode the slower slides…
Mom did not want to ride “The Sidewinder,” and we did not push her to do so. My Aunt Minkie has always been a “daredevil,” according to Mom. I actually rode this slide four separate times! I rode just one time with HUD the year before.
The three of us enjoyed our day…we had a waffle cone from the concession stand, when we sat down at one of the picnic tables to rest. We even went to the kiddie side of the pool and allowed the water that fills buckets, fall onto us…
Aunt Minkie drove to where my grandmother is staying at the nursing home/rehabilitation center, and Mom came to HUD’s and my house to stay overnight. Mom was happy because she was able to spend time with her “grandchildren,” Mr. Whiskey and Princess Coco. HUD bought dinner for us, and after dinner; the three of us sat outside on the front porch and drank a bit.
The next morning, Mom and I got into the pool that HUD purchased not for the pups (LOL) with the dogs. HUD stayed home that day, but he allowed Mom and I some quality time together before I drove her back home that evening. HUD even said to Mom, “Come back and spend a few days; on a weekend. That surprised me, because he is very protective of his weekend times. When he said that, it proved to me that what he claims about “loving (my) Mom” is indeed, true. He told me that he was happy Mom was able to relax and enjoy herself…
I was happy to have my Mommy stay with us. She had only spent the night with me on two nights while HUD was out-of-town. That was around one year ago! HUD knows just how much I have been missing my Mommy and needing to have her stay with me. Mom is always busy because she is taking care of my grandparents home, BOTH of my grandparents, and also her older brother. My Uncle helps her, but not nearly enough…so, Mom was very relaxed while staying at our house. Mom told me that she liked how I had decorated our home…and she was impressed with how great mine and Jamie’s bedroom turned out! That made me feel great.
All and all, it was an excellent middle of the week!
The following was shared via ‘Facebook’ (FB) by someone who belongs to a ‘sister group’ of one of the FB brain injury groups that I am a member.
“Brain Injury leaves our ‘battery’ damaged. Sometimes it takes a great charge and we have lots of energy for a while. Other times it takes no charge and we’re dragging, barely able to move.
My life is not at all the way I imagined (or intended)-
I’m unable to be as independent as I always claimed I would be-
I’ve become a woman who not only wants to have a man by her side; I now require it.
About this; I am pissed.
I’ve had a good day! My very good friend, Beth, brought me a much treasured ‘Granddoc’ plant (a rubber plant tree) that she also painted the planter it is planted in.
‘Aunt Beth’ spent the entire time we chatted with the other (what? 3 or so hours…) loving my babies. Princess Coco loves Beth…but, EVEN MR. WHISKEY (still) adores her!
While sitting on our front porch…Beth and I watched squirrels, woodpeckers, and a blue bird in a tree in front of the house.
We spent time sitting outside for several hours, before going to have lunch at a place I’ve been craving to eat at for days, now.
We ran into a guy we graduated high school with, ‘Tic’ while eating lunch before Beth’s shift; things like this make me happy to live back in my hometown!
Eric Church – Give Me Back My Hometown
“Damn, I used to love this view
Sit here and drink a few
Main street and the high school lit up on Friday night
Down there it’s another touchdown
Man, this year’s team is stout
I can hear them goin’ crazy
And up here so am I
Thinkin’ about you sittin’ there sayin’ I hate this, I hate it
If you couldn’t stand livin’ here why’d you take it, take it
Give me back my hometown
‘Cause this is my hometown
All the colors of my youth
The red, the green, the hope, the truth
Are beatin’ me black and blue ’cause you’re in every scene
My friends try to cheer me up get together at the Pizza Hut
I didn’t have the heart to tell them that was our place
These sleepy streetlights on every sidewalk side street
Shed a light on everything that used to be
Give me back my hometown
‘Cause this is my hometown
Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, yeah
Ah ooh, yeah, yeah
You can have my grandma’s locket
The knife out of my grandpa’s pocket
Yeah my state champion jacket I don’t care you can have it
Every made memory every picture, every broken dream
Yeah everything, everything, everything
Give me back my hometown
‘Cause this is my hometown…”
Okay, I am not a comic book “nerd;” albeit, I am in love with a self-proclaimed one. Since he and I have been a couple…I have watched several Marvel films. My favorites are ‘The Avengers’…I love Hawkeye, The Hulk, Thor, and of course Iron Man.
When I was a kid, I recall wearing Wonder Woman (from DC Comics) Under roos; I adored her. While watching the newest DC Comics film, ‘ Batman v Superman ‘ yesterday…I perked up in my seat as soon as WW came back on screen–I was so excited! When I say “perked up,” oh how I do mean, “perked up.” I was becoming quite bored with the movie.
For, the film itself was a bit drawn-out on camera for my taste; I had resigned myself to being okay with the fact that I was going to have to nap in the movie theater seat for HUD seemed to not really be enjoying the movie, but, he wanted to see what happened (that is simply what I thought…he says he thinks the movie was good. But, I’ve seen his eyes light up in Marvel films, and the excitement come out with the way his physical reactions are. This is why I don’t believe that he loved this DC Comics movie).
I am not really a comic fan, in that I’ve never read any of the comics. I feel that watching Marvel movies has dulled my senses to action or anything of that nature. Comedic quips, for one, were not to be given (thank God for “Marvel’s, “‘Tony Stark’ and ‘Captain America’ for making us laugh, either on purpose or not).
From a movie maker’s stand-point; I feel that the writing was too much. As in, the writer’s were unable to decide on what scenario’s to include in the film…so, they just found a way to put all of the dreamed up scenario’s into the movie. Eh. I truly believe the movie was worthy of a scholastic grade of “C -“…
For a friend who was in many of my broadcast communication classes in college, Nathan; because I am not a reader of the comics, and did not ‘catch on’ to things like I would have had I been a fan of the comic books, I feel that that is why I do not feel that the movie is good.
For another friend who was in many of my broadcast communication classes in college, Steven–Because I am not a reader of the comics; maybe that is why I do not feel that the movie is good, in that I did not have the pure love for the characters already in my heart. However, even if I would have the love for DC characters; I feel that the film was too drawn out, and the writing was horrible. I liked Amy Adams and the guy who plays the Villain…but, I still think that was overdone as well. I am looking at it from a “writer’s view,” I suppose.
And, thank you, to our television production teacher at the University, Dr. McGrail–I’m ALWAYS finding the tiniest flubs with video editing…that has made my ability to enjoy a movie one that is quite difficult!
Yesterday, when I finally decided to get my butt out of the bed to start my day; it was after 10:00 AM. Gratefully, HUD understands my need for sleep and he does not fault me for it. My brain becomes a lot more TIRED, and less able to handle “simple” tasks in the same manner most other folks brains’ are. When I am mentally tired; it causes me to become physically tired…SLEEP is the only way for me to handle many everyday tasks.
So, after I got out of bed around 10AM; I went to the restroom,l. Afterwards, I immediately let the Princess and Mr. Whiskey outside of the back door, so that they could do their business first thing in the morning.
It was a little chilly outside, so I stood in the kitchen and watched the pups for a moment before going to get a ‘Greenie’ out of the container farthest from the door. The screen door had yet to firmly close, so when the pups were finished; they both trotted inside and looked at me with pleading eyes, as if to say, “We went to potty outside, Mommy; can we have our ‘Greenie,’ now?
Prepared for this moment, I had already taken two treats from the jar and hid them in my hands. Normally, I will pet the baby’s and commend them on a job well done before giving them their morning treat. This Tuesday morning, I failed to do that. Instead of patting their little heads and rubbing their chests prior to giving them the thing they look forward to most every morning; I barely looked at either of them, and I quickly patted them on the head as I gave them a morning treat.
Mr. Whiskey always takes his treats to the adjacent room and eats the treat on the rug in front of the door that leads to the basement; the Princess Coco goes the opposite direction, and enjoys her treat on their “puppy bed” in the family dining room. I continued doing whatever it was that I was doing (I really do not recall what that was…read on, and you will understand that my feelings do not allow me to be able to recall such trivial things); I heard the pups gnawing on their treats…then, I realized how distant I had been with my baby’s, and decided I should show the two of them love.
I proceeded to call for Princess Coco and Mr. Whiskey…Coco appeared from the puppy bed in the kitchen, with her tail wagging. I happily accepted her into my arms rubbed her precious little head, continuing to pet the rest of her body. I called for her brother; normally, I can hear when one of the dogs is moving because the tags attached to their collars jingle. HUD and I had taken off their collars, because Mr. Whiskey’s skin at the base of his neck is seemingly becoming agitated with the rubber (glow-in-the-dark) piece that I have covering his ID tag. So, we decided to take off both of the pups collar’s to test this theory.
That beautiful Tuesday morning, I was annoyed with myself for failing to “re-dress” Coco and Whiskey before releasing them from the inside of the house so they could go potty. I walked through our home and called for Whiskey; Coco would simply look at me with pure innocence in her eyes/on her face. I did not hear any thing that typically alerts me to Whiskey’s whereabouts…so, I re-traced my steps, and called for him again.
The Princess was following me around, and I would show her by that I adore her by petting her head and vocalizing that I loved her. I continued to call for Mr. Whiskey, to no avail! This is when I started getting more serious with my tone of voice; he usually responds almost instantaneously if I make my tone sound more harsh than it already does due to my speech impediment. I even asked Coco where her brother was…
I then began to doubt myself…I wondered if I had let Whiskey back go outside, but completely forgot about doing so when I closed the doors. Coco kept looking up at me, because she was able to sense that something was wrong. I walked through our house, again…only this time, I left the doors open to all of the rooms where the doors were originally closed. I thought that maybe Mr. Whiskey had wandered into one of the rooms; but what was mind-boggling is that he did not exit a room when I called for him. He always does that or he is very good about at least making some sort of racket to let me know where he is.
By this time (approximately 7 minutes), I was beginning to worry…I quickly talked myself out of that worrisome thought process, and realized that Whiskey was just hiding somewhere, and that I would find him soon. Princess Coco was at my feet, looking at me, and wagging her tail happily. I thought, “Okay, if Coco isn’t worried…maybe I should not be either.” I thought that because dogs have special senses. If something were wrong with Whiskey, I had no doubt that Coco would sense it.
I walked outside onto our back deck, and called for Whiskey. He did not come, so as I went into the house; I left the screen door ajar so he would be able to come back inside when he was ready. From the back of the house, I continued to walk toward the front of our home, and onto our front porch where I continued calling for Whiskey. I still received absolutely no sign of his whereabouts…I began to worry again.
Walking back outside on the back deck, Princess Coco followed me…I stood outside on our deck and called for Whiskey. Coco was trying to leave the back deck and go out into the yard…I promptly told her to “get into the house” because I could not be sans TWO baby’s! My quest to locate Mr. Whiskey continued as I more thoroughly searched the nooks and crannies of the inside of our home. I even started looking in closets and beneath beds.
As I was making my journey through the house, I kept beating myself up for losing him. I began thinking about how my Mom and Jeff were going to be disappointed that I lost my son by “misplacing” him. I was considering our friend, Monica’s take on the ordeal, and how she would be sympathetic, my thoughts roamed to my friends, Lori, Justin, Dustin, and Desi and how I was certain they would forgive my lack of brain, too.
Then the thought of my best friend in high school, Kristina, popped into my head because “Please forgive my lack of brain” is something that Winnie-The-Pooh says…I started thinking of the stupid doctors releasing me and how idiotic they would feel because I HAVE BRAIN DAMAGE; I should not be entrusted to the care of pets…OR humans, for that matter.
I thought of how HUD would not understand the magnitude of my being able to care for another living thing, but he would try his best to comfort me as opposed to getting angry with me. I then began to wish that he loved Whiskey the way he loves Coco; maybe then he would understand my probability of losing my mind if Mr. Whiskey were to disappear. I finally decided to let HUD know that I had lost our son, AGAIN. I attempted to call him, but because he was at work, the line was busy.
All of these thoughts are racing through my (injured) brain, as I am systematically moving from the inside of our home, to the back porch, to the front porch…and I am PLEADING with Whiskey to “please come home now!” I kept picking up Princess Coco and loving her as she continually tried to go outside and to the right of the exit off of our back deck. I kept forcing her to go back indoors, and she would look at me with a “but…MOM” gaze.
I started thinking of how distraught Coco would be when she realized her brother was missing. Being the negative person I am, I began to prepare myself for dealing with losing her, too…because she would definitely die (it is common with animals as well as people) if Whiskey were ever gone. This is when I text HUD that I had lost Whiskey…again. I sent him a text at 10:16…”I lost Whiskey.” Five minutes later, HUD sent me a question mark.
Finally, I decided that Mr. Whiskey may hear me jingle the treats in their treat container, and perhaps THAT would cause his return. So, I picked up one of the containers that has treats in it, and walked out onto our back deck. I’m pretty sure I made Coco stay inside, and as I retreated the dining room and began walking on the back deck; I was shaking the container of treats in hopes that Mr. Whiskey would hear it and come running.
No sooner than I had walked to the end of the deck, and about to step onto the stairs…I turned my head to the right, and I saw Whiskey running toward me with a “smile” on his face and his tongue hanging out as he was wagging his tail.
My heart suddenly felt so much lighter and the knot in my stomach had that was clenched, finally unraveled.
What felt like 45 minutes, was probably 15 minutes…but, I responded to HUD’s text message, 3 minutes after he sent me a text with a “?;”saying that Whiskey FINALLY came home. HUD called me and I explained the whole ordeal…and how scared I was. I did not know what I expected him to do from an hour away when I sent him the initial text…but I said I felt that he deserved to know I had lost our son-AGAIN.
Princess Coco had been TRYING to tell me where her brother was when she was trying to walk off of the deck and to the right…but, I would not “listen;” instead I kept instructing Coco to get back indoors. I am a wonderful Mommy to my ‘kids’… that is, when I do not lose them.
Yesterday was Easter Sunday; I was given two Easter baskets. Albeit, I have to SHARE the basket that Mom made for “me” with my “husband,” because she put our things into a single basket. He and I both grew up as only children…amazingly, I don’t mind sharing with him.
I spent the day at my Nana’s. My partner followed, and went home early so he could do some work for his company. When the pups and I went back home later in the evening; I was pleased to see that my love had also been working in the yard. He tells me that he is cleaning up our yard, so I will have a nicer place to call ‘home.’ That makes me feel nice, because before I moved in about one year ago, he didn’t care about keeping the yard looking nice.
My grandparents, mom, her 2 older brothers and my uncle’s new wife were at our family gathering as well. I invited my “in-laws;” they were not able to attend because ‘Dad’ is still recovering from having surgery on his eye. At Nana’s, we had a yummy lunch prepared by my Uncles and Mom. It is a little sad that the rest of the family does not even call my aging/in poor health Nana on holidays. Nana’s other two daughters, 2 grandchildren, 6 great-grandchildren, and one grandchild and spouse; I understand the families all have their own family, but it upsets me that they have each seemingly forgotten that their grandmother exists! I realize the majority of them are living far away…but they should call her or FT me so they can see her! It was a good day, nonetheless.
Our friend visited our house that night. It was nice to have her over, again; she stayed for around 3 hours…HUD told me to take Mr. Whiskey to the vet and have the small rash on his neck looked at, and also have our Vet look at the Princess Coco to make sure her skin is okay. HUD is so cute about the ways in which he worries about the baby’s!
When I spoke to HUD earlier, he inquired about the rash on Mr. Whiskey appearing better or worse. I am more liable to believe that he does, in fact, love Mr. Whiskey and it is merely a different way than he loves Princess Coco. I get offended/”mad” that he seemingly treats the Princess with more love and care…I finally understand what he has been telling me for over one year–he honestly does love Whiskey, but in a “different way.”
This morning, I had also been searching for an outside play pen for the pups to put in the yard over the summer, so the pups can play outside, until we get our fence built…I sent the link to HUD, and he said something about purchasing a larger one than a $60-70 one I found online…I said I would love to do that; HUD told me he would help me search for one when he got home this evening. The pups have also stolen his heart…*sigh*