Silly brain.

I feel so silly. I hide things from “everyone else” who may possibly stumble upon that thing I hid. I will even go as far as making the hint to my password for a website one that is too difficult for “someone else” to crack the code. I’m not sure why I do this because I always forget the password and when I use the “hints” I left myself…I can not decipher them because the “code” is too difficult for even me to crack.

I am trying to login to a journal I had with penzu.com and I used a second form of protection by making a separate encrypted password. I knew at the time that if I were to do that; it would not be able to be recovered by me or the people with Penzu…still, I chose to use more protection. Now I have protected my own thoughts from me! grrr…I really want to take the things I have written and put them in THIS blog…wish me luck with trying to crack my own in-decipherable code Winking smile

"Who is your worst friend?"

I know the things that affect me better than anyone else does. For instance; I know that commenting on the things I should have done or should do (or should be) only makes me angry which causes me to react like a child and rebel. So, I rarely (if ever) call attention to the fact of my not living up to my potential.

The anger does not stir up the thing or things as opposed to stirring up the thing( s )in my personal feelings that make me want to achieve whatever should be done to get what it is I want.

I understand the things that need to happen or not happen in order to make my life become what I’ve always dreamed and known that it would be (not just could be).

I know the weaknesses that I have; yet I play on them and manipulate them to better a particulars make things turn out positively that way so I do not feel like as much of a loser (in a particular moment).

I am the worst friend that I have ever had because I lie to myself constantly. I know that within me, I harbor all these doubts about my personality traits; yet, I use them that knowledge of my weaknesses for my benefit.I do my best to gain from the personal weaknesses that I have.

A true friend does not use your weaknesses try to gain from your weaknesses/shortcomings; rather, a true friend understands your weaknesses but will do everything to keep you from succumbing to them.I have always thought that I am the best friend I’ll ever have, but perhaps, I am the worst friend I could ever have. I understand the ways I could win an argument with myself; at times when I truly want to do/say something that I should not, I understand the best way to reason with my mind in order to make the thing readily accessible.

For this these reasons, I believe that I am my worst friend.

"Remember a time when you were cruel as a child and write about it."

His name was Larry (I feel like the narrarator in ‘Fight Club’…). We were in 2nd grade (I think—details have been lost since the injury I sustained) at Tarrant City Elementary School. Larry was my best friend. Or a close friend…I recall having a crush on him. He always reminded me of Robert Palmer.

When I think of him, I always envision lil’ Larry all grown up (but he is the same age on the outside) surrounded by a big group of women who look alike with their hair cut off really short and slicked back. They are wearing red dresses and sporting guitars. Larry is wearing a suit, he is taller but still looks the same as he did in elementary school…then my visions include Robert Palmer taking Larry’s place…it is odd.

The memory I have isn’t one that is cruel, really. I recall Larry and I standing (I want to say it was in the classroom; perhaps before or after lunch) and chatting. He jokingly said something to me (I wish I remembered what he said) and I responded in a  way that I assumed was also joking; I let my leg go back and hauled off and kicked him (yes, I kicked him in his “special place”).

Larry immediately cupped the area, groaned and said “ow” then he hit the ground. I think he may have even been crying. My eyes got big and I began apologizing. That is really all of the memory that has stuck with me.

To this very day, I am not one to joke about making a man hurt there. I did it that time simply because of seeing people do it on television as a joke. I thought it would be funny. *sigh* I want to find him and tell him how that particular incident has affected me for the rest of my life!

 

I <3 Mom.

Today, she surprised me with a very sweet/thoughtful/heartfelt card. I use to get them from her all of the time, but it has been a while since I got one (understandably, so). It makes me so happy when I look where I have it proudly displayed on my dresser in my room.

———————

Regret

Is something I never felt when I thought of the beautiful lady who’s strong will I am proud to have inherited.

The most hurtful things I could do or say, I selfishly did (and said) to her.

I am not begging for forgiveness in a way that I want her to forget…

but for her to be able to heal the damaged trust in me.

Forgiveness?

I think that the better thing is that our treasured, loving relationship is finally being recalled actively remembered.

I feel much like the “angel-baby” of whom she was always so proud to have by her side.

I have longed for her to see show her love for me  in the same way,

and only now do I feel that she is beginning  to accept my…

Regret.