“Sometimes knowing burns…”

Is it possible to feel as if you have lost something before you have ever gained it? The way that a person believes how things will be if only they had that one chance to be with whomever they choose is a feeling that may be somewhat overly positive in the dream that is made up in their head.

If that person chooses to share those feelings with the one that always seemed “out of reach” to them (lets give them names to make it simpler to follow: Ollie has always had feelings for Tonya). Ollie shares the feelings he has always had for Tonya with her; when she reciprocates those feelings, it would seem that Ollie would be ecstatic about his “luck.” Instead, Ollie chooses to play the silly mind games that teenagers play after the initial excitement of the possibility of having Tonya in his life has ended.

Tonya is devastated. Although, Ollie could be busy with work/social obligations…perhaps Tonya is being a typical girl and taking it to heart that Ollie does not contact her. That is normally the way it goes…female minds tend to over-dramatize things and believe that they have lost something that could be great before it is even gained.

—————-

Virgos Merlot–“Gain”

So many times I should have stayed
You’ve got it and you don’t know what it is

Would you gain
Time after time it’s the same old wrong

I’m bothered by the fact
You cannot take it back
It goes on record and
Multiplies at that
I’ve gotta break it down
To it’s smallest part
Put it back together
And call it art

Is there such a thing as “free will?”

It does not matter what you know; it especially doesn’t matter what you think you know. Life is ever-changing. The ability to change your mind instantaneously is not one that only superhero’s have.   Anyone can say one thing and suddenly change their minds milliseconds later.

While you believe that you have things figured out or that you to know what to expect from that person before they are even aware of it themselves; free will enables that person to change their thoughts/actions. The beauty of free-will is also the thing that keeps your own free will caged. See, whether we want to admit it or not, “free will” is a relative term, because everything we say and do is dependent on the free will of another. We are all connected.

For example, my free will would allow me to decide go to a movie tomorrow night and you are the one who always drives me to the theater because I do not drive. Your free will is what makes you decide to go to a romantic dinner instead of taking me to the movies. See, your free will affected my free will.

Let’s throw in another variable and say that your decision to go to a romantic dinner affects my decision to go to a movie, but your boss’ free will helps her make the decision to have you work late that same night. So, my free will to decide to go to a movie was affected by your decision to not take me to a movie and instead go on a romantic date. Your own free will to go on a date was influenced by your boss’ free will to cause you to work late at the office and instead cancel your date.

What I am saying is that we may have the free will to do something, but everyone’s free will depends on another’s free will; and that consequently displays a person to have no free will at all. Each one of us is connected; whatever minor, seemingly insignificant thing someone else decides is going to affect you (even if it is not immediate)…get use to it.

If it were only that easy

Why do people allow their stupid hearts to guide them in the wrong direction? And so many times, we say, “this time will be different.” We will lie to ourselves and believe that everything is going to be okay…THIS TIME; it just has to be okay. We feel okay lying to ourselves; will we EVER learn? I think that perhaps we do know when things are just not right…but we will stick with something, hoping to make it better or in many cases, make someone else change even if it will be easier to change ourselves.

Why is it that we are content with being involved in the infamous “cat and mouse” game when it comes to any relationship? Why don’t people say what they mean and do what they say?

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx

overkill

I now become way obsessed with ONE particular thing at a time. It is as if I cannot stop thinking about that thing. I do not rely on the “excuse” of having brain damage (nicer way to say it is, “a brain injury”…but most of the time, I don’t care about “sweetening” it for the sake of others being uncomfortable. I have accepted it, other people should as well). It seems that EVERY problem/issue I encounter is predicated by the fact that I have a head injury.

“I don’t remember what just happened yesterday right off the top of my head. I realize it was a major thing, but please, give me time to think it over; I have a brain injury” “That emotional outburst happened over something so trivial because my brain has been messed up; my brain is damaged”
“Today is a very bad day for my coordination; I cannot walk with that full glass of water because I will slosh it all over the floor; my head is messed up.”
“Sometimes, I will need your help walking down a short flight of stairs; my equilibrium makes me think I’m falling. The brain injury is to blame for that.”
TRUST ME, I am sick and tired of saying/experiencing it probably more than you are at having to hear the “excuse.”

I realize that it is frustrating for those who have to deal with the minor things leftover because they are in my life. Believe me, the things WE experience are very minor comparatively and the majority of other TBI victims; they  would start a riot if they were to hear of my complaints. I have short-term memory issues, my speech has been affected severely, my ability to concentrate and focus has been ultimately changed forever–I can not be distracted in the SLIGHTEST way. I become insanely obsessed with something until the desired result has been achieved; I repeat myself without even realizing that I have said that before, etc…

I get massive headaches when the weather is going to be bad (I predict bad weather before meteorologists). My stamina has gotten much better, I don’t need to nap every day like I once did. I went from taking SEVERAL naps during the day, to 2-3, to 1, then to 1 every other day (while still getting in bed “early” at night)…now I rarely need naps. But when I need to sleep…DO NOT MESS WITH ME (although, it was the same before the head injury)!

The main thing I am disgusted with is the fact that I am not able to think as logically as I once did. I do not realize when I am over-doing it by asking about the same thing…even though I’ve already been answered. I recall the answer, but I feel as if I must continue mentioning it so the other person will not forget. Honestly, I think it is so I do not forget. As mentioned prior, I have to stay focused on one thing. And that goes for “bugging” someone about something, too (if you are reading this…again, I am INCREDIBLY sorry, I do not realize I’m doing it. Even if you claim that it has not bothered you).

I am not using the TBI as an excuse and I do not believe others really feel that I am…so why do I think somewhere in their minds that other people believe I am fibbing about my brain no longer being able to do the things the way it was so easily before. I feel alone and as if people say that they “get” it…but really those people have doubts in their minds because I am “normal.”  I have baaaaad days and then several weeks where it is almost indeterminable that I have a TBI (aside from my voice, and my coordination).

I do not expect “special treatment,” in fact, I get aggravated (only at certain times…strange, I know) when others try to give it to me. I want to be “normal!” The little things frustrate me the most. I am just happy that I am alive and able to “complain.” Even if I rarely complain because at least I am here and alive and able to understand the reason I want to complain because things are not at all the way they once were. My voice is the one thing I have the most difficulty with accepting…but, at least I am able to talk (and know what I am trying to express…and I am able to be understood).