“I’ll take care of you, baby…”

I’m still me. I’ve been duped into believing that I am unable to “do this on my own.” Partly, because I have said that exact phrase…a few times–to the “man” who claims to be my best friend. He had me believing it, too (that he is my ‘best friend’).

Only, I’m finally completely clear in my head. If he was, in fact, my best friend; he would not choose to bring my most negative moments up when he fears that he is losing me.

He lost me years ago…I only let him back in because I was feeling as if I could not survive and live the way I had become accustomed to living, without his (monetary) influence.

He realizes this…yet, he brings up the most negative moments in which I entrusted him with my (current–at the time of sharing) feelings. He reminds me that I said those things about not believing I can do this alone (without him).

I was willing to be unhappy in my heart, simply because I knew that I could depend on him to take care of me–and to give me the things I wanted/needed. That is not at all the woman I said I was going to be…especially at 39 years old!

I was so scared…to be alone.

July 20, 2019


I broke up with HUD (well, HUD kicked me and the baby’s out of HIS house…our home)?and I took my babies and we moved into an apartment that Mom found for me.  Mom knew how unhappy I was living with and being in a relationship with HUD; she called me on Wednesday, September 12, and told me to check my E-mail because she sent me a link to an apartment that accepts not just one dog, but multiple dogs!

I immediately looked at the link she had also sent me via text; I fell in love with the apartment. Mom said to me on the phone, “Okay, now, it is a basement apartment; but it is nothing like the one in New York…it has windows!”

My Nana

Friday 05.04.18

Mom and I watched General Hospital and an ugly woman was at some girl’s grave and it was like the woman was voicing how I was feeling.


Saw 2 red birds, then we went into Ross in Trussville. Mom and I were in different areas of the store, and we heard a dog bark (inside the store). I heard Mom say something about a puppy, and I saw her walk over to the dog, who was in a buggy being pushed by his owner.

A little later, I was near the checkout lane, as the lady with the dog was walking toward the checkout. I pet the dog; he kept licking my face and wagging his tail erratically. The lady told me that the pup’s name is AJ when I asked.

Mom came over, and recognized the woman was trying to checkout. immediately after, we met a woman whose husband had died with the same things that Nana suffered with (breathing problems, not being able to speak coherently, could no longer walk). We told the lady about Nana passing with similar issues.

After leaving Ross; as mom turned onto West Hill Road, I began crying softly because I knew Nana wasn’t in the house waiting. Mom grabbed my hand to comfort me. I wasn’t aware that she could hear my sobbing. I think she just knew how it was affecting me when she grabbed my hand in a loving way.

As we were going up the hill; a red bird flew lowly across the street in front of the car. Mom smiled, and clutched my hand tighter; she said something about Nana letting me know she was okay. I smiled, and through my tears, I said; “Hi, Nana!”

When we went inside Nana’s house; Mom and I watched Golden Girls. Blanche was hearing the voice of her grandmother who died.


It is an ever-changing, consistently moving thing. I’ve known that as long as I can recall, but I guess I simply thought that I was “immune” to it. Meaning, my grandparents would never get sick (well, Nana has always been sick; I suppose…I just never expected her to become so dependent, and less like the fireball with whom I grew), my Mom would always be young and she would never become so tired, and I would speak normally, and be a broadcaster IF I wanted to continue doing it.

Both of my grandparents who are the only ones I’ve ever truly known…are facing *gulp* the end of their lives. (reading that makes my heart tight and my eyes water…and this humungous knot appear in my throat–it is even more discouraging to see it in print. It seems to make it less of a “nightmare” and more plausible).

I see the way my beautiful mother is stressed; and even more so, since she has been a caregiver for my grandparents. All I’ve ever known my Mom to be is the one to depend on; that includes and is not at all limited to, caring for sick family members. The past 20 or fewer years have been hard on my Mom. But, Mom always “manned up” and did what she felt she needed to do for the sake of her loved ones.

For example, she has taken care of my Nana for pretty much the entire time I’m able to remember. I scarcely recall a time when Nana was not “sick” or SICK. Even then, Nana was able to do for herself…and Mom began living her life (but, one that was centered on me and my happiness…rarely, if ever, her own).

I was in the horrific car accident where I’m told I died on the scene; I obviously “came back to life,” and Mom lovingly sacrificed (again) her own life for me to have my own. My dad, “Joe,” found out he has cancer around the time I began to no longer need to have Mom taking care of me 24/7.

So, when Mom called me yesterday to let me know that Nana fell AGAIN…this time, she had forgotten that she is unable to walk sans a walker and tried to get up out of bed all by herself. She had fallen onto the hardwood floor in her bedroom. I do not remember how or when Mom said she found her on the ground, but Mom tells me that when she did find Nana and asked her, “Mother, why did you try to get out of the bed without someone here to help you, and especially, why did you think you could get out of bed without your walker,” Nana replied while giggling, “I don’t know….I thought I could just get up and go pee.”

It seems that Nana is ‘forgetting’ that she is unable to do the simple tasks in which she was once able. I understand because my Nana’s brain damage (she’s had several strokes, and we believe even more “mini-strokes”) is very similar to my own brain damage. Not long after I had been released from the hospital, I tried to get out of bed to go pee. I was not cognizant of the fact that (at the time) I was unable to walk on my own, and if I were able to walk unassisted; I would not be able to sit down on the toilet without plopping over due to the severe balance issues I had. So, once again, Nana and I have a connection that the other members of our family cannot understand.

When Mom called me yesterday evening; I was prepared to “man up” and help her in whatever way I could; I love my Nana. I know from experience how difficult it is to take care of my grandmother. Neither of us ever feel as if we shouldn’t be taking care of Nana; I’m simply assessing that it is very hard. Nana is now reverting back to her helpless state (the way elderly people do at the end of their lives *gulp*).



. . .

It was assumed that I would be depressed and likely suicidal when I sustained the TBI and was released from being in the hospital in March of 2004. I was prescribed many anti-depression medications, and “forced” to swallow them daily. Mom did not like that I was having to take the pills; the doctor’s told my Mom & Jeff that the anti-depression medication was also helping to heal my brain or some BS. So, I unwillingly took them.

The anti-depression pills were to also help me cope with how drastically different the life I remembered had turned out. I begged my neurologist to take me off of them; Dr. Markert informed me that I would have to talk to Dr. (I just lost the name–NOVACK) about being taken off of the prescription.  I asked him to take me OFF of the anti-depression medication, but he refused.

I am not sure why (possibly because it was still “new” since my accident) he would not allow me to be taken off of the prescription at that time; I continued to take the dreaded pills for a little while longer. When I visited Dr. Novack again; I requested that I be allowed to discontinue taking them. Finally, he approved it…I remember that I explained to him, “Sure, my life has changed…but, I am not going to kill myself!  I feel lucky to be alive and able to complain!”

Over the past few years; I have had “I wish I were dead” thoughts. I have told a few folks…I suppose I was reaching for help (because I am very sad)…not a single one has taken me seriously (Jamie, Mom, Kacy, Jason…etc). That, or they are just spooked by hearing that and not sure how to help me. Mom gets angry at me…the last time I told her I think about killing myself; she said to me: “Do it” with a look of pure disgust, and mean ness in her eyes. She has her own BS to deal with…still, I honestly wanted to. But, I do not want to slit my wrists or put a gun in my mouth. I’d rather just go…peacefully.

Then, I think of how my Mom is going to react to my suicide (even if she told me to “Do it”) and I worry for her well being. Then, I think of Mr. Whiskey and Princess Coco. I’ve actually thought to myself quite often that I would go through with it…when my baby’s die. I do not want them to be taken care of by any other; nor do I trust anyone to treat them as well as I try to.

When I have told people; the folks will say, “Oh, Brandy…it’s going to get better” or something similar, and then change the subject or we endure an uncomfortable silence/change of subject (usually on my part because I don’t want the other person to feel strange or call some suicide hotline for me or something).

Being dead would solve not only my “problems,” but I truly think it would help my Mom’s “problems” with trying to get a place for ME to live, too. Then, I know she would “use” my death as a catalyst for her own suicide. And, I can’t allow that to happen.

See, all of these reasons NOT TO, make me understand that in the book definition of “depressed;” I do not fit it at all.  I am sick and tired of LIFE. I also think that life could very well “just begin” when our Earthly body’s leave the world.

I am not willing to tell anyone again because I do realize that people scare easily and are not sure of what to say/do…the only person who wasn’t all “counselor-ish” to me is Matthew Jacobs. He responded (via FB messenger) that he felt the same…