Accepted

I have been told for YEARS that I should be a writer. I always wrote at a time when I felt the need to get stuff off of my chest/heart. I never wanted to benefit lucratively from expressing myself. I have only recently accepted that I was meant to write.

Since the accident, I am still very good at writing…and yes, more people have tried to convince me that I should use my skills as a creative writer to make a living. Mom has been so adamantly positive that is what I need to do and many other people (including college teachers/professors) stand by that belief–even now that I have a TBI.

This weekend, a friend from my days in radio (+/- 10 years ago), reiterated the things that people have told me for years. His belief in me has made me truly feel that I am able to do this…we were never GOOD friends, so the fact that he sees that about me means so much. I feel silly because my own mother has had faith in me for YEARS, yet I never truly tried to do anything with my talent.

Now that he has asserted his own belief in my ability to write, I feel confident (I have always felt that Mom and family/friends were perhaps a wee bit prejudice). Reuniting with him after ten years made me realize that I have always admired him, so I respect his opinion and he has a way of making me feel empowered. Yes, I am aware how silly that may seem to you about feeling empowered, but it is the truth.

I believe now what my Mom & my step-dad have been saying about the fact that I should write…truthfully, I don’t think that anything can stop me. Now, it is going to be difficult for me to write blogs because I am such a stickler for grammar/punctuation. But, I am going to try my best…I have far too many people standing behind me and waiting for my first novel. Which reminds me, the dedication page is going to be at least 3 pages long! 🙂

If you just realize what I just realized…

It’s true that once you realize you love someone romantically, a part of your heart will forever be reserved for them. If things do not work in that relationship, it is the part that you are no longer attached to that always loves the person; in essence, it is the small part of your heart that has died. And with that death, a brand new part of your heart is cultivated to grow. And grow it will.

You are no longer attached to the feeling(s) that made you once believe that your life was not at all worth living without the love of some specific person. It is my belief that people allow themselves to be treated in the negative way(s) in which the person sees him/herself internally.  It is increasingly difficult for people in the American culture to accept that she/he deserves to be treated with respect. That is why so many relationships are discouraging.

When someone makes you feel as if you deserve only good things and that person backs up the words with actions, why do we tell ourselves that we don’t deserve this and oftentimes run to the painful relationship (not always the romantic sort)? Why is it always easier to believe that negative things are what you deserve in life?

Sure, you may say that you deserve more than what you are receiving in your love life, but do you truly believe what you are saying to those around you? Sometimes, it takes encouraging words of someone who knows you better than you thought to make you “wake up” and recognize that your life has not been determined for you because of particular circumstances in it. Instead, it becomes a new birth for your life.

“When a heart finds another, what’s a cloud more or less in the sky?” – Wolf and Page

“mistakes” of the past do not define who you are today.

While it is true that the the person you are is because of your past as we mature, we are encouraged to move past that. Even if we do “move on” from the way we were perceived to be as teenagers; it seems to me, that the adolescent years of your life truly do make you the person that you become.

(TRUE) Guilt does not have an expiration date…but “guilt” does.

Why does the one person that you are asking to work WITH you never believe that you will take negative action, forcing you to prove what you said would happen (especially if they vocally acknowledge but physically refuse to make the effort in order to help make things better)? As children, many are warned that they will be spanked if they do not obey their parents/parental figures. A lot of children refuse to obey, knowing that the parent is simply using a “scare tactic” to make them behave the way that is desired from the other.

Relationships (of any kind) always end up going back to the “high school” mentality when an argument arises. The measure of maturity is  how we choose to handle this argument; do you want to go back to “well, you said/did this first” or would you rather adhere to the rational way and admit your own fault in the argument without blaming the other person or something/someone else for your actions (or lack thereof). In life, it is our choice of how to handle things that makes us adults. Another person can not make you feel guilty, it is an emotional mind game and age does not matter; guilt will grow with you.

That is, unless the guilt you feel is unfounded and just a silly teenage game someone plays to force you into feeling shameful for something that you need not feel at fault. The true test of becoming an adult is whether you will play the silly mind/emotional games you did as a child/teenager.

Does it really need to be so hard?

June 2, 2012

Sometimes, good things do come to those who wait.  It is possible that the reason for sayings to stay around for long periods of time is because things really never change.

Sure, hairstyles and fashion change only to become “new” again in another 20 or so years. But, people never do change. The same feelings; the same thoughts are pretty much a part of the human psyche.

If someone is used to being treated badly, it is sort of uncomfortable to be treated nicely. So, if we are treated nicely but used to being treated badly, why do we always try to create a  problem?

Maybe everyone is egotistical. Psychology is correct; everything in life good or bad exists because of someone’s ego.

Lying In The Hands of God

Although I am not religious at all, I do have a firm belief in God. The so-called “catastrophic” occurrences that happened in my life turned out to be good things and have fueled the direction of my life to go forward. The journey has consequently led me down the path to where I always envisioned my life to be.

I believe that the ‘Dave Matthews Band’ song, “Lying in the Hands of God” describes my life perfectly, and that is why I entitled my paper this way. With this paper, I am aiming to allow you (the reader) to not only feel adequately introduced to me, but also to get a clear understanding of why I am the person I am today; the person that can mostly be accredited to my mother.

My mother raised me independently. She gave birth to me when she was only 15 years old and she was always very mature for her age. People are always amazed when they witness how much my Mom loves me. This simply proves the thought that is in chapter one of our text, “Children who felt loved and cared for were ‘happier and showed greater social and moral maturity as adults than those who felt rejected, neglected, or unwanted” (McClelland, 1978. p. 53).

While I was growing up, my Mom often worked two (and sometimes three) different jobs and raised me on her own; she is the person I look up to most. Mom was my financial and emotional “rock.” For example; she was a waitress at a local barbeque restaurant and she would pick me up from school and take me to work with her during her break because she was working a double shift.

As our text for the course in chapter three says: “Early adulthood … is often a troubling time for many as they seek to discover who they are, what they want to do, and the type of person they want to become” (Witt and Mossler, 2010. p. 53).  Upon graduating high school, I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to achieve, but I knew that going to college immediately after 13 years of being in school was something I did not want to do.  I informed my Mom of that, and she gave me the ultimatum of either attending college or finding a job and paying all of my bills. I took that threat seriously and enrolled in the community college (that was located across the street from our home). Although it was a 2-year college, I attended George C. Wallace State Community College for at least four years, with no major declared!

My (step) dad, Jeff, helped me to realize just how deeply music interested me because we would center our conversations with one another on musical artists and such. He won two tickets on the radio for an acoustic show by a popular musical artist at the time and gave them to my Mom and me. Before the show, Mom quickly made friends with the promotions assistant for a competing, new (rock) radio station that was at the show. The man mentioned that they needed people to work at the new station, “Rock 97.3 – Birmingham’s REAL Rock Station.” Mom immediately volunteered me because I had always wanted to work in radio.

I worked (unpaid) with the promotions department for several months when a man, Scott / “Doc,” who was a DJ (on-air personality) for the station asked me if I wanted to “voice-track” (pre-record) an overnight (12 A.M.-6 A.M.) shift.  I began “voice-tracking” every week. ‘Rock 97.3’ was taken off of the air and replaced with a radio station that played music from the 1980s. The P.D. (programming director) for the new station recommended me for the job of the new station’s morning show producer where I would (finally) be getting paid. I was “½Pint” on the morning show.

I also did production work after I finished my work for the morning show and I would sleep at the station most nights. I would awaken using my cell phone’s alarm clock, then start the process over the next day! The text in the online book states “the cumulative effects of sleep deprivation may be problematic,” (Witt and Mossler, chapter 3.2) and for me, the lack of restful sleep began affecting my ability to successfully finish my college course-work and ultimately helped me to make the decision stop going to college. Eventually, I even quit working in radio because the pay was minimal and I was spending over half of the day five days and nights a week working (while sleeping at the station at night).

After I stopped working in radio, I applied for a job as a server (waitress) at a ‘Ruby Tuesday’ restaurant that was closer to my boyfriend at the time’s house. I was hired immediately. What was supposed to be a temporary job until I was able to find work at another radio station, ended up being a permanent job because I grew to love the people I worked with as well as the job itself!

I do not really recall the day the accident that changed my life for the better occurred; my “memories” are mainly my Mom’s recollections of that fateful day. While on my way to work January 13, 2004, according to witnesses, a male driving in a pick-up truck in front of me had been driving recklessly on a 4-lane highway. He suddenly stopped in front of my car and I swerved into the right lane to avoid hitting his truck. I am not so sure that I saw the semi-truck (18-wheeler / MAC truck) approaching. My action caused the diesel truck to “t-bone” the passenger side of my car.  The driver of the diesel truck got out of his rig, and prayed out loud for God to “please not take me.” I recall it perfectly, only I do not remember from my own eyes, instead I remember this happening as if I am watching from high above and looking down—an “out of body” experience.  The man who caused the accident quickly sped away.

A ‘Lifesaver helicopter’ airlifted me to a hospital that was over an hour away. Mom says when they finally allowed her in the room, I appeared as if I was sleeping. I did not have any visible injury’s or broken bones. I was comatose and had a C-2 (the vertebrae number) fracture in my neck that could have paralyzed or even killed me.

I sustained a severe traumatic brain injury (TBI) and spent 13 weeks in the hospital. My mom lovingly chose to “raise me again” from the stage of infancy as opposed to putting me into a long-term care facility. The driver of the pick-up truck was never caught.

My Mom has always been so influential in my life, and my future husband, Artie, is perhaps the most influential person thus far.He and I met on the Internet, “Facebook,” because of a mutual love for “The Dave Matthews Band.”  Six months after we met in person, I moved to New York on September 1, 2009. According to Robert Sternberg’s stages of love chart, we feel the consummate type of love which is an “emotionally close, sexually exciting long-term relationship.” (Witt and Mossler, chapter 3.4).

Although Artie and I believe that we were meant to be together, we have experienced rough times.  Luckily, he has taught me to focus more on “forming a complementary bond,” as opposed to “making sure my selfish needs are met” (Witt & Mossler, chapter 3.2). Artie proposed marriage to me on my 31st birthday, November 20, 2010. I said “yes” after the 3rd proposal.

Until I was assigned a paper about with what has happened in my life, I have not ever taken the initiative to write about the accident. I now understand that it is because of these horrific events that my life finally turned out to be the way I wanted but never actively planned.

Certain musical artists have really touched me throughout my life; the title of this paper is also shared by the title of a “DMB” song. I have been shown that despite the horrendous times I have experienced. People should “save (their) sermons for someone that’s afraid to love” because I will always be “right here, lying in the hands of God” (The Dave Matthews Band).


References

Matthews, D. (2009) Lying in the Hands of God [Recorded by The Dave Matthews Band] On Big Whiskey and the Groo-Grux King [CD, track number 4]. Bama Rags Recordings.

 

McClelland, Constantian, Regalado, & Stone (1978, p. 53).  In Early Adulthood: The Emerging Adult. Adult Development and Life Assessment (p. 36). San Diego, CA: Bridgepoint Education, Inc.

 

Witt, G.A., & Mossler, R. A. (2010). Adult development and life assessment.  

Retrieved from https://content.ashford.edu/books/4