08.26.2013

My brain–

yes, it is damaged.

I think I would be better off somewhere (like a mental institution) I cannot hurt someone or hurt myself emotionally.

Not insane–

no, I’m just misunderstood.

I think because I was fine in the beginning, it is believed that I now PURPOSELY hurt people.

I love–

yes, that is why I react violently.

I think that I say things I do not mean because  I use my words as a my weapon – I always feel as if I am not being heard.

I have pushed her away, AGAIN–

no, I have not done it consciously.

I think she believes that it is now my easy excuse, she refuses to accept that I am not who I was.

I have pushed him away, for the first (and last) time.

yes, he thought I was innocent.

I think he thought was ready for more with me.

Why will no one accept that I am brain damaged? My emotions are not controllable by just me. I need other people to realize that the actions/reactions I have are able to be dealt with—it just takes patience; then they are seemingly controlled, because of the way I am “handled.”

I AM worth it…I am hurting and angry words/actions happen when I am in pain.

Maybe I should beg him to take me back…and be unhappy where “r’s” are pretty much nonexistent; instead of keeping her so pissed because I’m here and give the REAL man relief.

Things ALWAYS change

THIS WAS A ‘PROTECTED POST’ THAT ONLY MR. BIG AND I COULD ACCESS B/C WE BOTH HAVE THE PASSWORD…EVEN IF THERE ARE PHOTO’S, I AM MAKING THIS ‘PUBLIC’ BECAUSE I DON’T GIVE A FLIP WHO READS THIS AND KNOWS THE PEOPLE OF WHOM I TALK. MR. BIG…I AM NOT FRIGHTENED OF YOUR “THREATS”…THIS WEBSITE/BLOG IS MINE. IF YOU DON’T WANT OTHERS TO KNOW OF WHAT YOU DO/SAY…BETTER BE  CAREFUL BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE HAVE ‘BLOGS’ NOWADAYS. #JS

#1 I desperately wanted Mr. Big to end his “career” with the bar scene. Sure, he only bartended one night a week…but, I still felt that if he would have left that place, things would have been much better for the two of us as a couple…

#2 I began hanging out at said bar, because Mr. Big introduced me to LOTS of people who hung out there. I would not go on the night he worked…per his request. I started going only after he and I went our separate ways as a couple…also, I rarely drank alcohol. If I did drink, it was 1-2 “Michelob Ultra” beers within hours of one another.

#3 The bar is no longer owned by the same people; so Mr. Big voluntarily quit (I overheard him telling someone about his getting a promotion at his “regular” job).

#4 Now, he has the weekend night I wanted to spend with him, free…

TO MR. BIG
You hurt me so badly. I KNOW you were “proving a point” that you were not able to be told what you could or could not do when you would message the ex (who is still in love with you and says so via text message while I’m beside you) to meet you at the bar. The bar is what ruined you and me…we are both too stubborn to allow someone to seem as if they are able to have ‘control;’ you didn’t want me at the bar; so I went to the bar to see FRIENDS (that you introduced me to). I didn’t want you meeting the ex who is still in love with you without my knowledge and to include me every now and then; you requested her presence to meet with you and have a drink (or several) together numerous times. I did not like that you worked there; you did not like that I would hang out there (WITHOUT GETTING DRUNK). Now I’m left wondering if the man you allowed me to know is somewhere beneath this asshole exterior you are choosing to show everyone. You care( d) for me. I care for you. You are everything I prayed to God for in the next man I was to meet. I wish you would at least be friends with me, you know, the way you said you wanted to be…I’m okay with being friends now. My heart could not handle it JUST AFTER we broke up…I was hurting.

Can't fight this feelin', huh?

ha…how many times were you unable to “Fight This Feelin’,” and with how many other women?  I suspected that it was NOT a “new” song for you to sing at karaoke, which is why I did not get excited when you would sing this song “to me.”

———————————

*gag*

I just think this is a nice photo…also, I look “womanly” with my curves in this stance. lol

8|16|00

LIES

RUSH OVER ME

THE COLDNESS STEALS MY BREATH

THE ACID BURNS

my heart in the pit of my stomach

my pulse races

almost as if in a rhythmic pattern

my body trembles

head to toe

can’t control my limbs

feel like I’m watching from afar

out of body experience

frigid insides

the sound of heart slowly cracking

sobbing continuously

the wolf (meaning ‘wolf in sheeps clothing’) makes pleasant conversation

I want to scream!

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

a poser, a phony, a fake

scammed

the walls are building again

Why did I get so serious

thought we shared something special

all you wanted to share was the bed

paid a high price for a naïve girl

she fell in love with her best friend

he fell inside of her

she believes he cares

“I love you,” he repeats over and over

Trying to make it true

Ignore her pleas

you belong to no one

She does not own you

Don’t have to answer to her

You’ve got her wrapped around your finger

Or maybe something else

No need in explaining

Fuck it, she doesn’t have a ring on her hand

5|14|00 (4Pooky)

NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE [not so] INNOCENT : )

I wrote this for Pooky almost 15 years ago…these words are so true for the newest (and FINAL romantic) heartache in my life. (Mr. Big) I will always love my best friend (from years ago), Pooky.

Many of the things I say about myself in the accompanying poem. I’ve put an asterisk beside what I think describes Mr. Big instead of myself; now that I have (FINALLY) outgrown those things.

5|14|00 4Pooky

you’re scared of falling, fearful of hurting;* are you really in so deep?

your expectations of me probably won’t turn out to be the girl you will eventually see.

She has an evilness about her, a coldness inside her, and an emptyness (sic)  deep within. (this is both Mr. Big and me)

The hurt that burdens her soul will be the reason she takes your heart in her hands and twists & twists until it finally breaks. *

She’s angry and resentful.*

Completely vulnerable and scared to trust. *

She will bury herself deep inside your soul; only to escape without your knowledge.

All that will be left are her imprints on your heart, the memories in your mind, and her silhouette behind your eyes.

Her intentions are good, but isn’t that always the case? *

She’s horrified of the word ‘love’ *; not knowing if she’s ever been or if she will ever learn how.

Her presence will never be far from your thoughts as she slowly fades away into her own private place.

She has to leave before you have the chance to abandon her.

I want to be in love.

Can I ever fall so deep?

Give myself wholly and only to you; will I ever be able to?

Hold me.

Teach me.

Be patient with my indecisiveness.

Love me, console me.

Lose yourself in my eyes; my touch; our song.

Put me together,

Because I’ve fallen completely apart.

Who am I?

Will you help me decide?

Don’t pressure me, please fall for me.

No, don’t.
I’ll only hurt you, it’s all I know (how) to do.

I don’t know how to explain my feelings for you.