I awoke around 4:30 this morning, after a “disturbing” dream. I should have written about it when the “hallucination” was fresh in my memory. Instead, I opted for sleep–as detailed as the story progresses, I explain a bit more.
In my dream, I can not vividly picture the details in my mind’s eye; I recall that I was frantically searching for my boy. The Princess was with me, after I asked her to “Please come here” for the second time; but, Mr. Whiskey was not able to be located. I was distraught!
The Princess was by my side, giving me comfort as I was calling Whiskey. He NEVER showed, and I promptly awoke–frightened! I lay in bed, hoping to hear the jingle of their tags. When I did not hear them…I got out of bed, and swiftly walked to the kitchen, where they sleep at night in the puppy bed.
As I got closer to the kitchen entrance, The Princess was there to greet me, with a “smile,” and her tail thumping. Mr. Whiskey normally meets me at the puppy gate. I began panicking, as I bent down to say “Good morning, baby girl! Where is your brother?”
It was then, that I heard his nails hit the linoleum floor. A wave of relief washed over me, and I told myself, “It was only a dream!”
Mr. Whiskey began his usual jumping up onto my leg, and wagging his tail. He was also “smiling”…”Good morning, Mommy!” I said aloud, “Thank goodness that you are both okay; I had a horrible dream.”
Whiskey started walking to the door…I always take the baby’s outside to potty when I first see them each morning. I continued showing Coco love, by petting her head. She licked my face, as per her usual action. I scooped Coco up into my arms…and I walked to the door, where Whiskey was excitedly trying to tell me that he needed to go outside.
I unlocked the door; Whiskey quickly went out of the puppy door that Jamie had installed when our deck was built. I walked out of the door, and put Coco on the deck. The two of them went to the “screen door” so they could be let out. They both “did the deed”, and happily ran back onto the deck.
I decided to lay with them both in the puppy bed. I was relieved as I lay with Coco and Whiskey lay down in the crook of my side.
When the sun started to rise, I got up, and they both were ready to go get in “The Mommy Bed” with their Daddy…and myself. It amazes me when I recall how I always said to “crazy dog people”…”It’s JUST a dog!” That will never be true when these babies are concerned!
(These photos were taken this afternoon. I was too worried to even consider taking pictures early this morning!)
Coco positioned herself in my neck pillow…!
"Writing is simply thinking through my fingers." I really need to stop holding my thoughts and feelings in. Writing frees (sic) me…so, why do I not utilize the opportunity to feel free!? And post photos of my babies!
I just love the way Princess Coco is seated so "ladylike."
And Mr. Whiskey is so handsome!
OCTOBER 21 2013
So, I am officially a horrible human being. Things with Jamie have been very shaky as of late. And I feel that has a lot to do with the fact that I do not work. He claims that he has been on edge because of the way things are going at his job; his position has been “demoted” and he is not making money the way that he was last year.
I love Jamie; I am just very unhappy. He is technically good to me. He does not ask that I find a job because he understands that working outside of the home is very tiring for me–a TBI survivor; he seems to understand that part about my brain damage even if he doesn’t fully grasp the problems it causes with my temper–when it involves him.
We no longer do the things we did in the beginning of the relationship. I know that is a common occurrence with couples, but it is unacceptable to me–I understand that at least half of it is me…
I am angry with him almost constantly. He comes home from work…and he says all I do is “bitch, bitch, bitch.” He says that home is his refuge–his time to unwind and relax. When he gets home, my work has begun. I mean, I do housework during the day…but I feel a little more pressure (he doesn’t pressure me purposely or even knowingly) to get things done. I do not like when he works from home, and in the beginning; I didn’t mind his working from home. Now, it is just super annoying to me. He doesn’t do anything aside from turning on sports…and going onto our back porch regularly.
I am just so frustrated because I do his laundry; cook his meals…and he no longer acknowledges it. He doesn’t seem to accept that for me, the simple task of doing laundry is quite tiring! I am the same person who use to tell Jamie that he did not have to thank me for doing his laundry/cleaning the house…because, that was my job. I was grateful to him for going out every day to HIS stressful job, and “allowing” me to stay home and work as a “house-wife.” I thought that perhaps I would regret saying that to him, but like all people falling in love; I thought that there was absolutely no possibility that he could ever take me for granted that way.
He sometimes thanks me…I guess that is my fault for saying that he did not have to every time I did something. I’ve stopped doing his ironing, mainly because it is summer, and he wears jeans and polo shirts to work. Even if he does not need to have his work clothes ironed; I feel as if I am being defiant…and somehow saying “naa naa na boo boo.”
I have stopped cooking every night, and sending him a plate for lunch on the next day…again, “naa naa na boo boo.” These things are because he no longer treats me as good as he once did. So, I, of course, stopped treating him so good. I realize that he is stressed with work…he
I realize that he is stressed with work…he use to tell me that he did not wish to talk about work when he got home because he did not want to bring that chaos here. I would still try to get him to open up to me…I knew it would make him feel better.
Recently, he has tried opening up to me in that way…I rarely feign interest–I’m so mad at him, internally. I’m pissed because our life is NOTHING at all like I was expecting it to be. Jamie drives me nuts because he never wishes to go anywhere or do anything–unless it is a MARVEL/DC movie…and he refuses to see a movie in Cullman, instead he opts to drive to Hoover (the same drive he makes 5 days a week).
I am annoyed because he will never watch a movie or a television show I LIKE. I tell him, I was not at all interested in Super Hero films when we started dating, but I knew he was; I wanted to see him happy. The same thing about his attending a concert with me. Or listening to a band/radio station. It is like I am the one who is consistently giving…but in the same sense; he is the one who pays for everything…so, really, what right do I have to complain?
I am upset because this kind of life is NOT at all what I was expecting when we decided to move in together right before he took me to live with him in England for 3 months. See, in Bristol…he was always ready to go out and party. It was me who was volunteering to walk home early…sleep late…NOT GO OUT. I was hoping he would still be as sociable when we arrived home.
He would not go with me when I would go meet Dustin and go out with him and his brother, Cody. That felt nice that he trusts me enough to “allow” me to go hang out with my male friends AND sleep in the same home they did because we would stay out until the wee hours of the morning, drinking (Cody was usually our designated driver).
And also, when Dustin and I went to Rock The South 2016…Jamie and I were in a fight…and he did not get mad that I slept in Dustin’s bedroom, in the same bed. He trusts me, he says. And nothing happened between Dustin and me–the two of us slept on the opposite edges of the bed–making sure not to touch.
We also were DRUNK one night and stayed over at his friend’s house (who is a married man, with children). Cody was sober, and he helped (drunk) me upstairs into a bed, where I would sleep alone…He says that Dustin was drunk, and walking around in his underwear when Cody came back downstairs. NOTHING HAPPENED with Dustin and me or even with Cody and me. The fact that Jamie TRUSTS me implicitly, seriously means a lot…or it could mean that he doesn’t really care as much about me as he should. The last thought is one that crosses my mind, then quickly leaves…
The crap with Dustin and I not talking to one another for a little over a year has seriously hurt me…I don’t want to go into that right now. This entry is one that I wanted to get down because it has been heavily weighing on my heart since I met Chris on Saturday.
I have never thought about another guy…I love Jamie. The two of us seem to have a lot of conflict as of late and I KNOW he loves me, too. I am just supremely unsatisfied with our relationship. It is like Jamie and I don’t seem to try and work together anymore. It is not all him; I am also to blame for this lack of trying. We are so much alike in the way we deal with our feelings. We both would much rather hold them in and not let anyone else know what we are thinking…it is a defense mechanism.
I was in Publix in Trussville/Clay on Saturday…buying Jamie Beck’s beer because (of course) he sent me a text while I was visiting Nana at the nursing home and “asked” me to go to Publix and get a case of Beck’s because Publix had it on sale (I asked if I could just go to Walmart, and that is what he replied with). So, begrudgingly; I decided to go to Publix in Trussville/Clay just to make him happy…I mean, I was driving his car (my Explorer is toast).
I walked in, grabbed a cart so I could pick up a few things (hey, if I was going to Publix for his beer; I figured I should pick up a few things in groceries that we needed).
END 12:45 AM 6/23/2017
continued 12:16 AM on 6/24/2017
I walked around and picked up some triple AAA batteries for my Nana (that it turned out she could not use), a case of water, and his Beer; and his chicken wings and Frank’s sauce. I had 2 packages of Jim -N- Nick’s cheese biscuit mix in the cart, too.
As I was moseying down an aisle, a nice looking (young) guy that was wearing a ‘Publix’ smock was walking down the aisle. He seemed to look at me with an interested look and continued to walk. I thought nothing of it…I was just thinking about grabbing groceries. He then walked back down the aisle, toward the other exit…he looked at me; I smiled. He did too and just continued to walk. I recall thinking that if I did not sound so odd, I probably would have said, “hello” to him.
That also made me think if I would have spoken, he would have stopped to chat with me…and 1. my voice sounds so strange 2. I have Jamie…so, it was better that I did no speak to him; else he may think I was interested. I was wearing my “pre-engagement” ring, so I thought, “whew, I’m safe…even if that guy is a cutie.”
I began thinking of how Jamie would react to my speaking to a younger guy…I could not help but think that perhaps the younger guy was checking me out. Albeit, he was not obvious about it. I began to be thankful for him not trying to talk to me, for my speech impediment tends to scare people away…especially males that seem to want to know me. I quickly let the thought go because I truly don’t have as high of a self-esteem as I once did. After all, there is no way he could have wanted to get to know me!
I began to be thankful for him not trying to talk to me, for my speech impediment tends to scare people away…especially males that seem to want to know me. I quickly let the thought go because I truly don’t have as high of a self esteem as I once did. After all, there is no way he could have been interested in talking to me. Again, I thought of Jamie, and how I should not even care about the young kid!
Then, I saw him walking toward me as I was looking on the neighboring aisle. He smiled; as did I, and he said to me: “Are you finding everything you need?” I told him that I was, and we began talking about something…but, I was not at all worried with how I sound. That is odd because normally, I am so worried about people assuming that I am slow.
We continued to chat about something to do with groceries…and, I felt completely at ease speaking to him. I don’t remember what we were chatting about, but we began having a conversation about nothing important. In the midst of talking, I noticed that his name tag said “Chris.” I said something akin to “Your name is Chris!” He was probably thinking, “Erm…yeah, weirdo.” And after I said “Your name is Chris” in a surprised tone, I said to him (not at all like me), “I’m going to hug you, now.”
He seemed taken aback for a moment, but he leaned over to hug me and we hugged one another with both arms. Then, we leaned back and smiled at the other. We continued to chat; I asked if he was on ‘FB’…he said that he is, but he rarely checks it. I still gave him my screen name so he would be able to find me. I did not want to lose the opportunity of at least being his friend online.
He noticed that I had some “Jim -N- Nick’s” cheddar biscuit mix, and said that he liked to cook and he recommended that I put cheese in with the mix. He began to direct me to the dairy section…
When we got to the cheeses; he went to the Publix brand cheese and picked up a block of cheddar…I quickly told him that Jamie (I had informed him that I had a boyfriend in our earlier chat) only wanted me to buy KRAFT cheese. I said that Jamie is a “brand snob.”
I began walking to the register, and he was still beside me, but I wanted him to not feel weird about chatting with me…I remember how it was working at a grocery store and everyone is NOSY. I said something to him about it was very good chatting with him and sort of gave him the “you don’t have to walk with me” sort of tone…he must have taken that as a way of me “blowing him off.”
We both said to the other how nice it was to chat…and I truly don’t remember the rest. I was just feeling like I was “me” again…that much I know. When I came home, and after I unloaded the groceries, I excitedly shared with Jamie that I thought I may have made a new friend at Publix. He was not interested at all…without looking at me; he said, “Good.” I was wanting to share my experience because I was seriously excited. My Mom would have wanted to hear about it…
I was consistently checking my FB…and hoping that Chris would add me that same night. Well, he did (or at least he tried to). We’ve been conversing via FB messaging…and not like instant messages, either.
12:48 PM June 24, 2017
No…we are having old-school, E-mail like conversations via FB messenger.
I swear there are friendly, albeit mischievous, spirits who live in our home. Or maybe even visit from time to time. I have SEVERAL reasons to believe this and the following incident is yet another one.
My “pre-engagement ring” is too large on my finger, despite having it re-sized. When my hands are cold (like now), the ring tends to turn all directions on my finger. This was beginning to annoy me, so I took it, and the other ring that I keep on my right hand (with a PURPLE stone) off. I carefully placed both rings on the Lazy Susan on top of our dining room table and continued to surf the web via my laptop as I sat at the table.
I got up and walked into our living room a couple of times, to check on my 3 loves as they all lay on the (horrible, uncomfortable, UGLY) giant beanbag as they were watching college basketball. I decided that I should put my “pre-engagement” ring back on my finger. When I looked atop the Lazy Susan, the lovely ring was not there; only the one with the purple stone.
I looked all around my seat on the floor, on the table, underneath things…and still did not see it. I walked into the living room a couple more times, investigating places I may have laid it. I scanned the kitchen thoroughly; as I had given up, and decided to wake James to alert him of what had happened (thinking he may be able to help me figure out what I could have done with the ring); I walked into the living room, and he was “resting his eyes,” so I decided to wait before telling him–I did not see the point in waking him because the ring could only be in the kitchen, and maybe even the living room.
I walked back to my spot at the kitchen table, and still could not find my ring. I concluded that I should look again in a few minutes, because I tend to overlook things now when I put pressure on myself to find them. My purple stoned ring was still sitting atop the Lazy Susan, when I suddenly saw a diamond sparkling right in front of me!
I am positive that I did not overlook the ring sitting directly in my field of vision, and within my reach. The friendly spirit played a joke on me. I believe this. I have had several encounters and witnesses to prove that my belief in a spirit visiting our home is valid.
James received a NERF football in the mail today (he told me it was part of his birthday gift from me. I have learned to not buy him anything that isn’t “on the list.” He reminds me of Rachel Green [FRIENDS] that way. I have learned to “stick to the list” since he and I have been together. James isn’t any fun; he assumes that I want to know what it is that I’m receiving as a gift, even if I’ve told him that I prefer to receive a surprise gift). The football is one that glows when it is switched “on.” Tonight, he and I tossed the football around while in the back yard.
I am such a girl. I flinched each time James threw the ball perfectly to me. I moved when I should have stayed stationary… I preferred to just chase after the ball as opposed to catching it. Geez. SUCH A GIRL!
I took the video showcased below; to display a wee bit of the odd behaviours that Mr. Whiskey and Princess Coco are showing. Now, everyone who knows me well, is aware of my being non-religious; that being said, I am spiritual.
So…I have explained this odd behaviour of Mr. Whiskey’s to James; he simply allows it to be heard, yet Jamie does not “get” what I am saying. Mr. Whiskey often behaves like this, but not too often for me to worry. He typically does it during the day; while James is at work, and I am doing my housework.
Most times, I am in the kitchen or laundry room when Mr. Whiskey acts like this. “This” refers to Whiskey following me around (more so than normally); it’s as if he is trying to make certain that I am safe. He stays RIGHT AGAINST ME (no exaggeration).
He will not let me stray from his field of vision; also, he is more vocal during these times. It is as if Whiskey is trying to tell me something. He looks at me, and he barks until I go see whatever / wherever something that isn’t “right” is. I comply with his wishes; but, never good enough for his satisfaction, for he refused to halt his erratic behaviour. Also, his barking is a little different in tone than it is other times.
I will follow him to the adjacent room, where Whiskey will look at me with a “MOM…do you not see that/hear that?” It is as if he is trying to make me aware of something. I’ve come to the conclusion, that Mr. Whiskey is seeing/hearing something–more aptly, SOMEONE. So, I’ve talked to who I KNOW it to be for several months, now.
She has yet to respond to me in a way that I will recognize easily. I often say to her, “Hello, Dot (Jamie’s mother who passed away in 2003)….” as I explain what is that I am doing. I will explain that I love her home, and do not wish to make any differences that will cause her to feel as if I am “taking over” and “trying to make Jamie forget her.”
When I spoke to HUD about this several weeks ago; I also shared with him the occurrence that caused me to believe it is Dot. I was cleaning out the bottom of the pantry in our kitchen; of course, sitting on the kitchen tile as I was doing such. Mr. Whiskey, of course, was nearby. He began walking and sitting closer to me, as I was sitting in the floor.
Whiskey started quietly barking/growling in the direction of where the main entrance into the kitchen is. I did not think anything of it; assuming that he had heard something outdoors. The barking became more frequent and louder; along with the growling being more intense. Of course, I was a little frightened…but, I continued to do what I had started, and try to get our pantry cleaned out.
Then, Whiskey started getting far more serious with his barking. He had his gaze LOCKED in the direction of the main entryway to the kitchen. He began sidling up against me (as if he were protecting me), and kept lowly growling and barking loudly. Having done this a few times prior; I quickly recognized that it was not anything negative at which Whiskey was barking, but he did not understand it.
I softly explained to Whiskey that it was “okay” and that who he was barking at is Jamie’s mom, Dot. I explained that she was probably wanting to make sure t I was not doing anything wrong or that she was not comfortable with; after all, we were in HER kitchen. I told Mr. Whiskey that she had every right to be here, and she was not going to hurt him. I even said a few things to her aloud. I thanked her for allowing me to use her kitchen and call it my own. I told her how grateful I was for all of her kitchen tools/gadgets. This is when Whiskey started to accept the presence that he sensed–after I spoke, and wasn’t afraid of it.
When I told him; James seemed to believe me; but I think it was more because he was afraid of being shamed into thinking I am silly. I asked James if he ever felt his Mom; and he strongly denied it. However, I have felt her…and I had not ever met her before she passed. But, a woman can sense when another woman is in her home; making changes to it.
I’m not sure when that was whhen I felt her so strongly…but, I believe that she visited again, earlier today. It was brief…but, Whiskey is still refusing to leave my lap. It has been well over one hour…
I’ve taken video of how Mr. Whiskey behaved and in this clip The Princess is acting out of sorts, too…
I am far too sensitive. I “read” too much into little things, or the lack thereof. Perhaps, females are catty and my previous post was prudent, after all.
Which is why I have always gotten along so much better with males. When I shared my feelings with HUD about why I think the majority of the girl friends/wives of his guy friends hate me; HUD told me something akin to, “don’t worry about it, baby,”
…and then proceeded to explain why he did not want to hear it; continually saying, “don’t allow that negative energy to make you feel bad” (or something like that). It’s a refreshing thing sometimes when I am reminded of his beautiful outlook on life; albeit, many times, after I have expressed how I feel about something such as this, he reminds me that he does not care about the outside world.
When I gripe about how something (in this case, females, treat me as if I am a person with some sort of contagious disease) upsets me, something “trivial,” that is, HUD expresses that all that concerns him, is the world he shares with me and the pups. That makes me feel special. I am his number one priority…after the priority he has to himself, of course. My happiness is what he strives to obtain. Still, it unnerves me when he is so indifferent about the things that are causing me to feel negatively. I know he cares about me and how I feel; it is infuriating to me when he deems the feeling(s) I have as one(s) that are able to be forgotten.
As I was saying, when I shared my feelings with HUD about how the majority of the females in his guy friends life treated me when we were spending time with a group of them last night; HUD dismissed it and told me that I should not allow the negative energy that they let out to affect me. Honestly, I am not at all interested in being accepted into their “club.” Meaning, I do not want to be a typical female (like the females of this group of whom I speak are your ‘TYPICAL’ females).
I feel as if I am shunned…it has always been this way with me and women. I’ve always had male friends because of this. HUD told me that I have always had guy friends because I am hot and the females are just jealous. THAT did not help me. At all. True, the majority of males who I have befriended, begin the friendship with me and they have different motives. BUT NOT ME! My motives are of the most pure and innocent intent.
I have a select few male friends who I ever had any romantic interest in; and the ones I did have romantic interest in, are happily committed to another person. I am happily committed to sharing my life with HUD; therefore I have not any sort of romantic/flirting interest with any other!
I lost a great deal of self-confidence when I was recovering from the TBI. It is pretty much returned…until I’m around catty females. I mean, before, I was able to just take the attitudes with a grain of salt, and not allow it to affect me in any way. I would actually go out of my way to be nice to the female(s)…but, now that I am back to being “me” and I don’t allow my lack of self-confidence to show too much; for the most part, I am finding that females simply dislike me.
So, perhaps, it is due to how I like myself…and I don’t care if others like me (at least I make it appear that way). I used to believe that women did not like me, because I was flirty with their man. I would not aim to flirt, but I accepted that my natural charm seemed flirty to them. I’ve come to the conclusion, that women just don’t like me.
Last night, while hanging out with friends of HUD’s; three other women were present. About six males were there, three of whom are in a relationship/marriage three other women who were also there, and one other male who is engaged to a female who was not present. We will call that guy, ‘Stallone.’
Stallone’s fiancée and I are cool. She is very accepting of me; always is the first to go for a hug when we see the other. She is very REAL; I met her in person almost one year ago, and she added me on ‘Facebook’ the day after .
Stallone seemed to not want to associate with me…I’m guessing because his best friend’s wife has expressed her negative feelings about me. The first time I met Stallone; he was super friendly with me, and he always is when his fiancée is present. Stallone’s best friend is ‘Damien.’ Even Damien did not want to talk to me; he was keeping his distance. Damien and Stallone, both were incredibly friendly and chatty with me the first night I met the two men.
I spent all of last night, sitting next to Faye, and chatting with her. The other two women who were present, sat in chairs across the porch from Faye and me. Those women did not talk to us…I’m not saying that they ignored us; we 4 just did not associate much. It wasn’t purposeful, we four women just didn’t have anything to talk about last night; so we each chatted exclusively with the woman who we were originally sitting.
The person’s house we were at last night (‘Faye’), is always incredibly “real” with me…she is friendly, and always happy to see me. She told me that she loved me before HUD and I left to go home last night. Faye said that I should come visit her during the day (while our other half’s are at work) sometime.
HUD and I were the last to leave for the evening; neither of the women who left said ‘good bye’ to me, but HUD was given a good bye. Faye hugged both HUD and me, inviting the two of us to come back over to see her and her husband. I am guessing that the reason Damien’s wife, “Victoria,” does not talk to me and gives me the ‘woman’s cold shoulder’ is because “Sherri’s” daughter hates me. Therefore, Sherri, is not at all accepting of me any longer. Although, I am not at all worried about Sherri failing to say goodbye; she was consoling her husband…whose mother had just been buried.
HUD tells me that if Sherri’s daughter has a problem with you…you can understand why Sherri isn’t as nice to you.” No. No, I cannot…HUD makes excuses for Sherri because they have a long friendship, and she has been a good friend to him for years (I understand, and am not aiming to make HUD choose “sides”). I do not tell HUD how I feel in an attempt to make him mad at Sherri. If Sherri’s daughter has an immature problem with me, because she is a teenager, I do not excuse Sherri for behaving the way she does with me now. We are adults; if Sherri dislikes me, she needs to talk to me about it–not use her daughter’s teenage woes as a passive-aggressive way to make me feel like an outcast!
But, I suppose I should speak to Sherri as opposed to writing in my blog. I haven’t a problem with talking to Sherri about my feelings…but, I do not wish to anger HUD. I know how much she means to him, and I do not ever want to try to make him choose…so, I decide to type my feelings out, instead of talking about them.
I just need to vent. I will probably be asked not to blog about this IF HUD does, in fact, read my blog. I have to get my feelings out. Else, I will hold them in, and express them in other ways…NEGATIVE ways.
oh, I am enlightened because I find that no matter what I do…the majority of women hate me. I could care less, really. And HUD is wrong about the reason males like me; I am flippin’ cool…and REAL.