5|14|00 (4Pooky)

NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE [not so] INNOCENT : )

I wrote this for Pooky almost 15 years ago…these words are so true for the newest (and FINAL romantic) heartache in my life. (Mr. Big) I will always love my best friend (from years ago), Pooky.

Many of the things I say about myself in the accompanying poem. I’ve put an asterisk beside what I think describes Mr. Big instead of myself; now that I have (FINALLY) outgrown those things.

5|14|00 4Pooky

you’re scared of falling, fearful of hurting;* are you really in so deep?

your expectations of me probably won’t turn out to be the girl you will eventually see.

She has an evilness about her, a coldness inside her, and an emptyness (sic)  deep within. (this is both Mr. Big and me)

The hurt that burdens her soul will be the reason she takes your heart in her hands and twists & twists until it finally breaks. *

She’s angry and resentful.*

Completely vulnerable and scared to trust. *

She will bury herself deep inside your soul; only to escape without your knowledge.

All that will be left are her imprints on your heart, the memories in your mind, and her silhouette behind your eyes.

Her intentions are good, but isn’t that always the case? *

She’s horrified of the word ‘love’ *; not knowing if she’s ever been or if she will ever learn how.

Her presence will never be far from your thoughts as she slowly fades away into her own private place.

She has to leave before you have the chance to abandon her.

I want to be in love.

Can I ever fall so deep?

Give myself wholly and only to you; will I ever be able to?

Hold me.

Teach me.

Be patient with my indecisiveness.

Love me, console me.

Lose yourself in my eyes; my touch; our song.

Put me together,

Because I’ve fallen completely apart.

Who am I?

Will you help me decide?

Don’t pressure me, please fall for me.

No, don’t.
I’ll only hurt you, it’s all I know (how) to do.

I don’t know how to explain my feelings for you.

Begin again?

I understand your hesitation.

The life you’ve led, not cowardice, will not allow you to trust your heart.

For once, it is I who is the person pleading for the other to let down the walls–to hide the armor and feel the salvation.

Putting your trust in me will not be a regret.

You are understandably nervous, but I believe you are ready to start.

I can and will help you find the way for your heart to completely reset.

My heart is ever at your service.– William Shakespeare

Why?

Because I truly want to feel that my wrong-doings are resolved;

I choose to trust what my spiritual advisor envisions.

It is seen that you are NOT the man with whom I should continue to be involved;

according to the views, the ways you behave are not completely your decisions.

By no means, does that allow your actions to be absolved;

instead, it is my feelings that are in need of revision.

The happiness we were starting to share was becoming expected;

frightened, I needed space for my head/heart to gather cognition.

Quickly, my feelings were accepted;

I listened to my internal decision.

Sharing that with you, caused me to be rejected;

regardless of what you said, I still have my suspicions.

However, circumstances seen are not a given;

my belief is correct, the future is able to be written.

Acceptance

When I am happy deep inside of myself; I want to go out and play the part.

Similarly, when I am conflicted within my core; my creativity flows.

I don’t write when there isn’t anything plaguing my brain…my feelings…my heart.

Maybe this is why I seek out the most complications; to fuel my creative productivity.

All artists are melancholy, that fact is well known; when sad or mad, the expression glows.

If I am happy, I desperately try to seek out my beautiful creative spirit for activity.

As of late, that is why my writing prospects seemed dim;

To write well, I need to feel jaded—instead of elated.

Even if I have not felt this strongly for another since my absolute best friend; I refuse to allow this man’s lack of action to make me feel so grim.