Why do I feel this way!?

So, I am officially a horrible human being. Things with Jamie have been very shaky as of late. And I feel that has a lot to do with the fact that I do not work. He claims that he has been on edge because of the way things are going at his job; his position has been “demoted” and he is not making money the way that he was last year.

I love Jamie; I am just very unhappy. He is technically good to me. He does not ask that I find a job because he understands that working outside of the home is very tiring for me–a TBI survivor; he seems to understand that part about my brain damage even if he doesn’t fully grasp the problems it causes with my temper–when it involves him.

We no longer do the things we did in the beginning of the relationship. I know that is a common occurrence with couples, but it is unacceptable to me–I understand that at least half of it is me…

I am angry with him almost constantly. He comes home from work…and he says all I do is “bitch, bitch, bitch.” He says that home is his refuge–his time to unwind and relax. When he gets home, my work has begun. I mean, I do housework during the day…but I feel a little more pressure (he doesn’t pressure me purposely or even knowingly) to get things done. I do not like when he works from home, and in the beginning; I didn’t mind his working from home. Now, it is just super annoying to me. He doesn’t do anything aside from turning on sports…and going onto our back porch regularly.

I am just so frustrated because I do his laundry; cook his meals…and he no longer acknowledges it. He doesn’t seem to accept that for me, the simple task of doing laundry is quite tiring! I am the same person who use to tell Jamie that he did not have to thank me for doing his laundry/cleaning the house…because, that was my job. I was grateful to him for going out every day to HIS stressful job, and “allowing” me to stay home and work as a “house-wife.” I thought that perhaps I would regret saying that to him, but like all people falling in love; I thought that there was absolutely no possibility that he could ever take me for granted that way.

He sometimes thanks me…I guess that is my fault for saying that he did not have to every time I did something. I’ve stopped doing his ironing, mainly because it is summer, and he wears jeans and polo shirts to work. Even if he does not need to have his work clothes ironed; I feel as if I am being defiant…and somehow saying “naa naa na boo boo.”

I have stopped cooking every night, and sending him a plate for lunch on the next day…again, “naa naa na boo boo.” These things are because he no longer treats me as good as he once did. So, I, of course, stopped treating him so good. I realize that he is stressed with work…he

I realize that he is stressed with work…he use to tell me that he did not wish to talk about work when he got home because he did not want to bring that chaos here. I would still try to get him to open up to me…I knew it would make him feel better.

Recently, he has tried opening up to me in that way…I rarely feign interest–I’m so mad at him, internally. I’m pissed because our life is NOTHING at all like I was expecting it to be. Jamie drives me nuts because he never wishes to go anywhere or do anything–unless it is a MARVEL/DC movie…and he refuses to see a movie in Cullman, instead he opts to drive to Hoover (the same drive he makes 5 days a week).

I am annoyed because he will never watch a movie or a television show I LIKE. I tell him, I was not at all interested in Super Hero films when we started dating, but I knew he was; I wanted to see him happy. The same thing about his attending a concert with me. Or listening to a band/radio station. It is like I am the one who is consistently giving…but in the same sense; he is the one who pays for everything…so, really, what right do I have to complain?

I am upset because this kind of life is NOT at all what I was expecting when we decided to move in together right before he took me to live with him in England for 3 months. See, in Bristol…he was always ready to go out and party. It was me who was volunteering to walk home early…sleep late…NOT GO OUT.  I was hoping he would still be as sociable when we arrived home.

He would not go with me when I would go meet Dustin and go out with him and his brother, Cody.  That felt nice that he trusts me enough to “allow” me to go hang out with my male friends AND sleep in the same home they did because we would stay out until the wee hours of the morning, drinking (Cody was usually our designated driver).

And also, when Dustin and I went to Rock The South 2016…Jamie and I were in a fight…and he did not get mad that I slept in Dustin’s bedroom, in the same bed. He trusts me, he says. And nothing happened between Dustin and me–the two of us slept on the opposite edges of the bed–making sure not to touch.

We also were DRUNK one night and stayed over at his friend’s house (who is a married man, with children). Cody was sober, and he helped (drunk) me upstairs into a bed, where I would sleep alone…He says that Dustin was drunk, and walking around in his underwear when Cody came back downstairs. NOTHING HAPPENED with Dustin and me or even with Cody and me. The fact that Jamie TRUSTS me implicitly, seriously means a lot…or it could mean that he doesn’t really care as much about me as he should. The last thought is one that crosses my mind, then quickly leaves…

The crap with Dustin and I not talking to one another for a little over a year has seriously hurt me…I don’t want to go into that right now. This entry is one that I wanted to get down because it has been heavily weighing on my heart since I met Chris on Saturday.

I have never thought about another guy…I love Jamie. The two of us seem to have a lot of conflict as of late and I KNOW he loves me, too. I am just supremely unsatisfied with our relationship. It is like Jamie and I don’t seem to try and work together anymore. It is not all him; I am also to blame for this lack of trying. We are so much alike in the way we deal with our feelings. We both would much rather hold them in and not let anyone else know what we are thinking…it is a defense mechanism.

I was in Publix in Trussville/Clay on Saturday…buying Jamie Beck’s beer because (of course) he sent me a text while I was visiting Nana at the nursing home and “asked” me to go to Publix and get a case of Beck’s because Publix had it on sale (I asked if I could just go to Walmart, and that is what he replied with). So, begrudgingly; I decided to go to Publix in Trussville/Clay just to make him happy…I mean, I was driving his car (my Explorer is toast).

I walked in, grabbed a cart so I could pick up a few things (hey, if I was going to Publix for his beer; I figured I should pick up a few things in groceries that we needed).

END 12:45 AM 6/23/2017


continued 12:16 AM on 6/24/2017

I walked around and picked up some triple AAA batteries for my Nana (that it turned out she could not use), a case of water, and his Beer; and his chicken wings and Frank’s sauce. I had 2 packages of Jim -N- Nick’s cheese biscuit mix in the cart, too.

As I was moseying down an aisle, a nice looking (young) guy that was wearing a ‘Publix’ smock was walking down the aisle. He seemed to look at me with an interested look and continued to walk.  I thought nothing of it…I was just thinking about grabbing groceries. He then walked back down the aisle, toward the other exit…he looked at me; I smiled. He did too and just continued to walk. I recall thinking that if I did not sound so odd, I probably would have said, “hello” to him.

That also made me think if I would have spoken, he would have stopped to chat with me…and 1. my voice sounds so strange 2. I have Jamie…so, it was better that I did no speak to him; else he may think I was interested. I was wearing my “pre-engagement” ring, so I thought, “whew, I’m safe…even if that guy is a cutie.”

I began thinking of how Jamie would react to my speaking to a younger guy…I could not help but think that perhaps the younger guy was checking me out. Albeit, he was not obvious about it. I began to be thankful for him not trying to talk to me, for my speech impediment tends to scare people away…especially males that seem to want to know me. I quickly let the thought go because I truly don’t have as high of a self-esteem as I once did. After all, there is no way he could have wanted to get to know me!

I began to be thankful for him not trying to talk to me, for my speech impediment tends to scare people away…especially males that seem to want to know me. I quickly let the thought go because I truly don’t have as high of a self esteem as I once did. After all, there is no way he could have been interested in talking to me. Again, I thought of Jamie, and how I should not even care about the young kid!

Then, I saw him walking toward me as I was looking on the neighboring aisle. He smiled; as did I, and he said to me: “Are you finding everything you need?” I told him that I was, and we began talking about something…but, I was not at all worried with how I sound. That is odd because normally, I am so worried about people assuming that I am slow.

We continued to chat about something to do with groceries…and, I felt completely at ease speaking to him. I don’t remember what we were chatting about, but we began having a conversation about nothing important. In the midst of talking, I noticed that his name tag said “Chris.” I said something akin to “Your name is Chris!” He was probably thinking, “Erm…yeah, weirdo.” And after I said “Your name is Chris” in a surprised tone, I said to him (not at all like me), “I’m going to hug you, now.”

He seemed taken aback for a moment, but he leaned over to hug me and we hugged one another with both arms. Then, we leaned back and smiled at the other. We continued to chat; I asked if he was on ‘FB’…he said that he is, but he rarely checks it. I still gave him my screen name so he would be able to find me. I did not want to lose the opportunity of at least being his friend online.

He noticed that I had some “Jim -N- Nick’s” cheddar biscuit mix, and said that he liked to cook and he recommended that I put cheese in with the mix. He began to direct me to the dairy section…

When we got to the cheeses; he went to the Publix brand cheese and picked up a block of cheddar…I quickly told him that Jamie (I had informed him that I had a boyfriend in our earlier chat) only wanted me to buy KRAFT cheese. I said that Jamie is a “brand snob.”

I began walking to the register, and he was still beside me, but I wanted him to not feel weird about chatting with me…I remember how it was working at a grocery store and everyone is NOSY. I said something to him about it was very good chatting with him and sort of gave him the “you don’t have to walk with me” sort of tone…he must have taken that as a way of me “blowing him off.”

We both said to the other how nice it was to chat…and I truly don’t remember the rest. I was just feeling like I was “me” again…that much I know. When I came home, and after I unloaded the groceries, I excitedly shared with Jamie that I thought I may have made a new friend at Publix. He was not interested at all…without looking at me; he said, “Good.” I was wanting to share my experience because I was seriously excited. My Mom would have wanted to hear about it…

I was consistently checking my FB…and hoping that Chris would add me that same night. Well, he did (or at least he tried to). We’ve been conversing via FB messaging…and not like instant messages, either.


12:48 PM June 24, 2017

No…we are having old-school, E-mail like conversations via FB messenger.

08.26.2013

My brain–

yes, it is damaged.

I think I would be better off somewhere (like a mental institution) I cannot hurt someone or hurt myself emotionally.

Not insane–

no, I’m just misunderstood.

I think because I was fine in the beginning, it is believed that I now PURPOSELY hurt people.

I love–

yes, that is why I react violently.

I think that I say things I do not mean because  I use my words as a my weapon – I always feel as if I am not being heard.

I have pushed her away, AGAIN–

no, I have not done it consciously.

I think she believes that it is now my easy excuse, she refuses to accept that I am not who I was.

I have pushed him away, for the first (and last) time.

yes, he thought I was innocent.

I think he thought was ready for more with me.

Why will no one accept that I am brain damaged? My emotions are not controllable by just me. I need other people to realize that the actions/reactions I have are able to be dealt with—it just takes patience; then they are seemingly controlled, because of the way I am “handled.”

I AM worth it…I am hurting and angry words/actions happen when I am in pain.

Maybe I should beg him to take me back…and be unhappy where “r’s” are pretty much nonexistent; instead of keeping her so pissed because I’m here and give the REAL man relief.

Things ALWAYS change

THIS WAS A ‘PROTECTED POST’ THAT ONLY MR. BIG AND I COULD ACCESS B/C WE BOTH HAVE THE PASSWORD…EVEN IF THERE ARE PHOTO’S, I AM MAKING THIS ‘PUBLIC’ BECAUSE I DON’T GIVE A FLIP WHO READS THIS AND KNOWS THE PEOPLE OF WHOM I TALK. MR. BIG…I AM NOT FRIGHTENED OF YOUR “THREATS”…THIS WEBSITE/BLOG IS MINE. IF YOU DON’T WANT OTHERS TO KNOW OF WHAT YOU DO/SAY…BETTER BE  CAREFUL BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE HAVE ‘BLOGS’ NOWADAYS. #JS

#1 I desperately wanted Mr. Big to end his “career” with the bar scene. Sure, he only bartended one night a week…but, I still felt that if he would have left that place, things would have been much better for the two of us as a couple…

#2 I began hanging out at said bar, because Mr. Big introduced me to LOTS of people who hung out there. I would not go on the night he worked…per his request. I started going only after he and I went our separate ways as a couple…also, I rarely drank alcohol. If I did drink, it was 1-2 “Michelob Ultra” beers within hours of one another.

#3 The bar is no longer owned by the same people; so Mr. Big voluntarily quit (I overheard him telling someone about his getting a promotion at his “regular” job).

#4 Now, he has the weekend night I wanted to spend with him, free…

TO MR. BIG
You hurt me so badly. I KNOW you were “proving a point” that you were not able to be told what you could or could not do when you would message the ex (who is still in love with you and says so via text message while I’m beside you) to meet you at the bar. The bar is what ruined you and me…we are both too stubborn to allow someone to seem as if they are able to have ‘control;’ you didn’t want me at the bar; so I went to the bar to see FRIENDS (that you introduced me to). I didn’t want you meeting the ex who is still in love with you without my knowledge and to include me every now and then; you requested her presence to meet with you and have a drink (or several) together numerous times. I did not like that you worked there; you did not like that I would hang out there (WITHOUT GETTING DRUNK). Now I’m left wondering if the man you allowed me to know is somewhere beneath this asshole exterior you are choosing to show everyone. You care( d) for me. I care for you. You are everything I prayed to God for in the next man I was to meet. I wish you would at least be friends with me, you know, the way you said you wanted to be…I’m okay with being friends now. My heart could not handle it JUST AFTER we broke up…I was hurting.

Can't fight this feelin', huh?

ha…how many times were you unable to “Fight This Feelin’,” and with how many other women?  I suspected that it was NOT a “new” song for you to sing at karaoke, which is why I did not get excited when you would sing this song “to me.”

———————————

*gag*

I just think this is a nice photo…also, I look “womanly” with my curves in this stance. lol

You are NOT going to be my Achilles Heel.

Foolish;

that is how I feel.

I was warned;

by you and people that know you for real.

I knew you would hurt me;

even if it was not intentionally.

Stuck;

on the pain she gave you.

—————-

I am hurting.

My heart physically aches.

Our competing hearts are senseless, if you “really care for me”

If that is true, why am I being treated so callously?

I have several people that are romantically interested in me.

You did not realize that I CHOOSE/CHOSE you.

Those people will show it now that you are gone.

Other people respected our relationship.

What I told you in the beginning that

YOU would be my final try, it is something I meant.

Thanks for forcing me to socialize again;

I now have friends.

5|14|00 (4Pooky)

NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE [not so] INNOCENT : )

I wrote this for Pooky almost 15 years ago…these words are so true for the newest (and FINAL romantic) heartache in my life. (Mr. Big) I will always love my best friend (from years ago), Pooky.

Many of the things I say about myself in the accompanying poem. I’ve put an asterisk beside what I think describes Mr. Big instead of myself; now that I have (FINALLY) outgrown those things.

5|14|00 4Pooky

you’re scared of falling, fearful of hurting;* are you really in so deep?

your expectations of me probably won’t turn out to be the girl you will eventually see.

She has an evilness about her, a coldness inside her, and an emptyness (sic)  deep within. (this is both Mr. Big and me)

The hurt that burdens her soul will be the reason she takes your heart in her hands and twists & twists until it finally breaks. *

She’s angry and resentful.*

Completely vulnerable and scared to trust. *

She will bury herself deep inside your soul; only to escape without your knowledge.

All that will be left are her imprints on your heart, the memories in your mind, and her silhouette behind your eyes.

Her intentions are good, but isn’t that always the case? *

She’s horrified of the word ‘love’ *; not knowing if she’s ever been or if she will ever learn how.

Her presence will never be far from your thoughts as she slowly fades away into her own private place.

She has to leave before you have the chance to abandon her.

I want to be in love.

Can I ever fall so deep?

Give myself wholly and only to you; will I ever be able to?

Hold me.

Teach me.

Be patient with my indecisiveness.

Love me, console me.

Lose yourself in my eyes; my touch; our song.

Put me together,

Because I’ve fallen completely apart.

Who am I?

Will you help me decide?

Don’t pressure me, please fall for me.

No, don’t.
I’ll only hurt you, it’s all I know (how) to do.

I don’t know how to explain my feelings for you.