(a letter for my big brother, Jerry)

Jerry,

I’m so sorry. Im sorry I thought you would grow out of your frustration. Im sorry I thought you would learn better coping skills. Im sorry that I was frightened and unsure of how to react when you were in that home. Im sorry I ever let our bond be “forgotten” by distance, time, or my anger w/ our Dad. Im also sorry I never told you how grateful I am to have you as the big brother.Im sorry I didn’t call you a couple of wks before you took your body from us. Maybe I could have helped you find a better way out. Im sorry you’ll never know how much I love you, or how angry I am w/ you right now.

p 35

my ritual for Jerry

We will be outside, sun shining, standing close. Very few people will attend, only b/c you feel self conscious, not b/c you are not loved.

We connected b/c we understood one another. We needed each other.

We would laugh @ breakfast, giggle @ bedtime. Watch “Robin Hood: Men In Tights” and laugh until our sides ached.

1) Jerry showed me what having a big brother is like.

2) Jerry showed me that ppl can see your inner being and love you all the same.

3) Jerry crushed me by leaving us.

4) Jerry angered me by giving up.

I could have missed the PAIN,

But I’d have (had to) miss

Starthe danceStar

07.23.02

–But grief is about living.

–Grief involves letting go of someone who has died, but it’s also about holding on and recognizing life, especially your own.

(page 9)

death is…

sunny skies interrupted by clouds of darkness, harsh rain, clearing clouds, sea is calm, then torrid and calm again. The rain is cold and refreshing; warm and piercing.

black, empty and cold.

uninviting, frightening.