(ch)Risk day 3

Saturday, Nov. 3 — Write something risky. You know, that post you’ve always wanted to write but didn’t because you’re afraid of how your readers will react. You’re afraid of what your family and friends will think. Yes, that one. That’s the post you need to write and you need to write it right now. I did just that earlier this year. That post received more comments than anything I’ve ever published online and received more page views than nearly all other posts to WriteousBabe.com. (In case you’re interested, you can read the post here: http://www.writeousbabe.com/2012/07/why-im-reluctant-to-write-about-not.html)

 


Okay…”risky.” Well, I feel as if everything I write is risky. The personal things that I write anyway. Because, for me, Writing is simply thinking through my fingers and the thoughts I ‘write’ are usually the most plaguing emotions that I am experiencing at a particular moment.

Writing has always been my emotional outlet; as most prominently displayed through the poetry I wrote in the early 2000s (mainly when I was dating Pooky; one of my best friends since high school and my absolute best friend at the time we were romantically involved).

With Pooky, I found myself getting frustrated because he never seemed to hear what I was trying to say to him. I mean, sure, he understood what I was saying about needing something in our relationship to change and he would even try his hardest to change particular things about his actions/lack thereof. We were kids, so it was a much more confusing road to travel for both of us regarding relationships. 

I do not hate Pooky, I never could. I recognize where not only he “messed up;” I also recognize (and admit) where I messed up. In the beginning, it was ‘child’s play’ so I was giving him many chances after something that caused us to break up and he was doing the same. We both felt that our love was worth fighting for and far too strong to just give up.

I haven’t ANY hard feelings toward him for the past, especially because I am the one to “let him go” even after our relationship when we TRIED to date again. I chose to focus on school and get out of the crazy relationship that I assumed it would have turned into, even if he had grown up.

I was nowhere near matured since our last try before my TBI. He was even holding out for me (he never said that, but I know him…know him very well) when I moved to New York. He may have casually dated some people and only when I gave him “permission” to move on, did he do so.

I was living on Long Island and I was feeling as if Yankee was planning on asking me to marry him. Then Yankee would “drop hints” and after the 3rd or 4th one, I started to see that he was planning on making the move…and I was fairly certain that he was saving to buy me an engagement ring. I was planning to accept his proposal.

It was then that I decided I should let Pooky know that there was no chance of my ever coming back home to the south. I still loved Pooky. Yankee knew that, because he and I did not hide things from the other. Yankee understood that I would forever LOVE Pooky even if I was not IN LOVE with him.

In an E-mail to Pooky, I told him that I had fallen in love. I said that the man with whom I had fallen in love would propose marriage soon and that I would accept. I wanted him to feel “okay” about no longer thinking in the back of his mind that we ever had another chance. I explained that I felt deeply for him and I cherished the memories we made together as both lovers and also friends. Pooky never responded…

I explained to Yankee how his full first namewas a fave of mine when I was a child and that the name he was given at birth would FOREVER be my favorite male name. I said I always wanted to name a son (if I ever had one) ‘Pooky’ but that is where he drew the line…understandably so (on a side note, Yankee and I agreed on ‘Vincent/Vinnie’).

This post is the one I have wanted to write for so long, but always decided not to because of, well, how friends/readers would react. I also did not want to make his girlfriend feel that I wanted Pooky back romantically. However, I DO want him back in my life as a friend. He and I were incredibly close and good friends without any romantic things happening. It was pure chance and after a long period of no longer being in the other’s life that we decided to date each other…

I still think about Pooky every single day. Not in the romantic way, either. I miss him terribly. I ‘FB’ his girlfriend a lot…I guess because she has a tie to him. I’m not sure; I do like her and I always have. I just wish I could see Pooky again…or even speak to him. Heck, a text message/an E-mail…something.

I was literally scared to have to say goodbye to the possibility of our being friends when I married Yankee. I confessed that to Yankee…it took him a little bit, but he finally agreed to my wish to invite him (along with Pooky’s girlfriend and his family) to our wedding. When Yankee did that, I felt as if a humongous weight had been lifted. Yankee understood that I wanted Pooky there as my FRIEND, not the ex-boyfriend.

Sure, it was going to be a little difficult on my heart; of that, I was certain. But I was going to be marrying someone I dearly loved and I did not see that having him (Pooky) at my wedding where I married another man would be too devastating at all.

Admittedly, when I found out on ‘Facebook’ that Pooky was dating a FB pal/woman with whom we attended high school; my heart felt a stab of pain…I admitted this to Yankee. Then after the pain went away as quickly as it came; I was so supremely happy that Pooky had found someone…it truly did not look as if he would ever after we broke up. I’m not full of myself, I’m just honest.

I realize that the prompt calls for writing ONE thing that has been on your mind yet you were afraid to post…but the previous paragraph made me recall how I felt about getting married and “giving up” my friendship with my male friends. I wouldn’t have given up the friendship completely, but I know it would have been strained simply because Yankee did not “get” it.

The ONE person that it bugged me the most to “give up” is a guy that I was good, good friends with in high school and the two of us became closer when he was in college and I was doing “the radio thing.” I would go hang out with him & two other friends on weekends that Pooky and I were arguing (so the majority of weekends).

I had such a wonderful time with them. I’ve always been closer to males…and I am okay with being JUST FRIENDS with a man. Pooky did not care for the guys I went to see and spend the night at their apartment when they were in college; I always visited ONLY if Pooky and I were arguing.

I did not want to have to do that again. I was scared to be married because I realized I would lose so much of myself because of my soon-to-be husband’s lack of understanding. Anyway…I am so excited to have MY friends back and the one I previously spoke of is who I would miss the most (and yes, Yankee was aware of this—I told him about missing my friend and also about how I missed Pooky so much, MANY times).

Writing this is a bit risky so I feel as if I met the challenge!

8|16|00

LIES

RUSH OVER ME

THE COLDNESS STEALS MY BREATH

THE ACID BURNS

my heart in the pit of my stomach

my pulse races

almost as if in a rhythmic pattern

my body trembles

head to toe

can’t control my limbs

feel like I’m watching from afar

out of body experience

frigid insides

the sound of heart slowly cracking

sobbing continuously

the wolf (meaning ‘wolf in sheeps clothing’) makes pleasant conversation

I want to scream!

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

a poser, a phony, a fake

scammed

the walls are building again

Why did I get so serious

thought we shared something special

all you wanted to share was the bed

paid a high price for a naïve girl

she fell in love with her best friend

he fell inside of her

she believes he cares

“I love you,” he repeats over and over

Trying to make it true

Ignore her pleas

you belong to no one

She does not own you

Don’t have to answer to her

You’ve got her wrapped around your finger

Or maybe something else

No need in explaining

Fuck it, she doesn’t have a ring on her hand

6|12|00

(again, I never thought I could feel so strongly for another man in my entire life. I was even honest with the New Yorker, and told him that Pooky was going to be imprinted on my heart forever. I had no idea I could feel this way again…until Mr. Big)

Am I in love with you? I really don’t know. I want to tell you that “I you” so many times throughout the day. If I do utter those words; I wonder what you will say. Will you look at me, stare deeply into my eyes, then caress my body to yours and whisper that you feel the same for me?

Or will you instinctively, almost immediately say, “I you, too”? I hope not. I want you to mean it, to feel it.

What if I would’ve told you that “I you” last night? Would you have been (sic) scared? Would the words, my feelings, freak you out?

I was contemplating saying it to you as I rested (sic) my head on your chest and you gently pulled me closer (as) you interrupted my thoughts with a long embrace (and said) “Brandy, I care about you so much.”

The words came out of nowhere, but I felt as though you had invaded my thoughts; my emotion for you. I think about you, about us, almost non-stop. I miss you when I’m not near you, even if you’re in the next room.

I think that you are beautiful. I’ve always watched you; your expressions. Those eyes, the brightest blue, and so cleverly set…deep, and revealing. The curve of your nose; sounds strange, but I love the way your nose is so perfectly shaped.

Your mischievious (sic) smile, makes my insides jump, my heart melt. The way your hand just interlocks w/ mine.

I don’t know what ‘love’ is to other people, and I’ve suppressed ever feeling it for someone (for so long) until it makes me question my own emotion. If I’m not in love w/ you, Pooky, I know that I’m falling. And all I want is for you to catch me and feel the same way about me.

3|6|01

My first TRUE love. That is a lot of the reason that I am going to share things I wrote so long ago. It helps me to understand myself…and in a way, it frees me (if that makes ANY sense). Again, I am not pining over Pooky or wanting him back in my life romantically (albeit, I do want him back in my life).

 

Boy, so much has happened over the last 2 weeks. I’m not sure if (Pooky) and I are still together or if we are broken up. (Saturday 2/24) I invited myself over to his house. I told him I was coming over whether he liked it or not. I said that I wanted to say a few things to him in person and it wouldn’t take but about 30 minutes (he lived an hour away from me at the time). He told me if I was just gonna bitch the whole time, then he didn’t want me there…w/ him & his buddies. I decided that he and I wanted and expected different things from one another. I had been telling him that I was not happy w/ our relationship and something(s) had to change or I couldn’t continue. I tell him I’m lonely. He doesn’t seem to understand. I can and would rather be lonely all alone. Anyway, I decided that he would never grow balls big enough to break up w/ me or tell me his true feelings. I thought that I would just give him an easy out. Especially since I was unhappy and incredibly lonely. Never in my life have I felt the way [for another that] I do for (Pooky). I never believed that I would ever know what it truly felt like to love someone. (FLASHBACK) When I realized I loved him (sic) I just couldn’t stop crying. He held me while I cried, he had no idea what was wrong w/ me. (FLASHBACK OVER) Maybe I’ve become cynical, but the way I feel now…my heart aches, I feel completely foolish, (sic) I begin to wonder how I allowed myself to just give in. I’ve always thought that no matter how much or how long you love someone, (sic) you always end up hurting. Anyway, I went to his house, prepared to say my piece; break it off w/ him, grab my shit and leave. All w/ no tears. I was so ready to Just do it. (sic) Then I pulled in his driveway and it hit me…what if he didn’t try to stop me? What if he acted relieved that I let him go. (sic) Confused, (sic) I sat in my car saying the same thing to myself, “God, I don’t wanna do this,” over & over & over. I got the courage to walk onto the porch, but I couldn’t bring myself to knock.

January 28, 2001

“I’M NOT SAYIN’ THERE WAS (sic) NOTHING WRONG, (sic) I JUST DIDN’T THINK YOU’D EVER GET TIRED OF ME.”

I JUST DID’NT (sic) WANNA LET YOU GET AWAY (from me)

I’m so unsure,

my feelings are real.

It’s driving me crazy

constantly wondering

how do you feel?

about me, about us

My worries,

are they reality?

reassurance

communication

I thought it was so simple

Is it obligation?

fear, uncertainty

what keeps you here?

two become one

I still feel so lonely

November 24, 2000

Sometimes I wonder

Are they right?

Is the hand I hold

the one that holds me down?

They don’t know you.

Do I really know me?

I see forever with you,

But I’m not sure of the forever I once dreamed of.

Could it be jealousy

ignorance

or pure honesty

Why do I care

I’m afraid that a small part <of me> agrees.

Oh God, what have I done?

What have I said?

I think I’m just scared.

They all say they know me

“Well I may not go to (H)eaven,

but I sure hope you go to Hell.”

Leave me alone.

Let me live MY life.

—-

This is a poem I began and never finished…it is written on the back of the paper that the poem above is written on.

I don’t live for you

I don’t tiptoe for you

I don’t try to make you happy

not doing what I want

I don’t try to