I’m not “crying for help.” I am not contemplating suicide/having suicidal thoughts. Simple as my title for this entry says: I hate living.
I love my boys.
My EX BOYFRIEND is still in my life, and he kicked us out of HIS HOUSE (mine and the baby’s home…or so we thought), what, close to 3-4 years ago?HUD wants me (us—the boys) back and I do not ever want to go back to that lifestyle.
Sure, there are good things about his being the one with whom we live. Yet, all of those good things center around being financially taken care of.
HUD changed his dental appointment so that it coincided with mine. Then, he said that he would pick me up because it’s on his way. I think that perhaps one of the receptionists orchestrated that.
He picked me up, and we went to the dentist together. I went in for a cleaning and my new hygienist (thank God, I like her so much better than the one who “cleaned” my teeth before. The new lady (her name escapes my mind—maybe ‘Casi’)!doesn’t TALK bc (like the hygienist before her did)—requiring me to answer her ridiculous questions with her fingers and dental instruments inside my mouth, mind—and, it truly feels as if my teeth are being cleaned! They are not simply poked at. I believe my former hygienist was too sickeningly sweet to possibly cause any discomfort: whereas, this new lady is gentle, yet affective with her work.
My back bottom teeth were always having to be cared for (I had a crown and a root canal—thanks to HUD), this time, my top left back tooth has a small cavity forming. I am baffled because I take care of my teeth. I floss, brush, use mouthwash… [February, 17, 2021–the reason that my teeth are now becoming prone to cavities, is due to my head injury! Apparently, it is common to have acid reflux after a TBI…and that causes damage to your teeth/enamel. My dentist informed me that I more than likely experience acid reflux in my sleep. He doesn’t know about the correlation with TBI…well, he is aware, now that I’ve told him).
The hygienist was telling me that she takes excellent care of her teeth; whereas, her husband does not and he never has cavities but she does. It’s annoying. HUD doesn’t floss, but he does use mouthwash and brushes at least twice a day. He never has any issues. Anyway, he paid for my visit today…and he is going to pay for my next visits. I didn’t ask him to, he volunteered.
HUD is so boring. He talks about the most boring topics; it’s as if he doesn’t have any social skills. But, if he heard me say that, he would say that he socializes every day. Which brings me to another thing that bugs the piss out of me about him. He socializes by meeting folks at a bar. He is a functional alcoholic.
I should have caught on when we went to 🇬🇧 UK (England, specifically…back when it was still a part of the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 ) in our first few months of dating. I simply assumed that he wanted to go to the pub (RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET from our flat, mind) because that is where the people he knew were. Partly, that is true. Whilst in 🏴 England 🏴 , I ventured out to see the country only a handful of times (yes, 2, maybe 3, times were with HUD; while the others were with folks who live there). HUD always went to the pub…ALWAYS. I was in another country for the first time, and all he could show me with any sort of intelligence, is the pub that he first went to and made friends years prior.
HUD still has the mindset of a teenager…meaning that he spends his money on CHILDISH things. But, it is his money, and he earned it; and I was never in need of anything nor were the baby’s when bc we lived with him; so, of course, I didn’t dare to complain.
He listens to the music that he wants and watches what he wants on television…even when someone is at his house. Granted, it was rare when I lived with him…but, even if my Mom was over (which eventually stopped when he dog cussed her the first couple of times); he never asked her what she wanted to listen to or what she wanted to watch. It was ALWAYS ESPN or Marvel stuff. Or even stupid music that the guest has no in interest in.
He still doesn’t get when I gripe about my mother that he does not have the right to agree nor gripe about the same things. He should just shut up and let me get things off of my chest, instead of offering agreement or extrapolation. My Mom will always have my love and I feel as if he was always jealous of my love for my Mom…almost in competition for it.
I honestly believe that he was jealous of my relationship with Mom because he was envious. He has always been downright rude to her—never taking into consideration that she is my Mom, he says/does whatever he wants, with no regard to the fact that the woman made me who I am. Nor that he should respect her. True, Mom is only 11 years his senior…still, I always begged him to at least pretend to respect her for my sake. I’m not sure that he understood then nor does he understand now. Of course, I am his only real romantic relationship…he was 38 when we got together.
I’ve had to teach him how to be in a relationship with a woman. He truly never respected my family.
I’m so sick of life.