What’s this life for?

Scott Stapp wrote my feelings for 2021 back in 1997…ALMOST 25 years ago. I am sick of living, yet my baby’s are what keep me willingly getting out of bed each morning. My baby boy, Lil’ AJ lost his hu-mommy, then 2 years later, he lost his dog-mommy AND his sister in the same year (six months apart). I can’t make him go through losing another. Still, he is so loving—timid, as always, with so much love to give.

Mr. Whiskey…he is nothing but love (and playful tug-of-war). Mom and I had a heated argument today, and I sat down in the floor of my bedroom and UGLY sobbed…loudly. The door was closed and almost completely shut; I heard my baby boy jump down from the “Grammy bed” in the next room and race to my bedroom door. When he couldn’t push it open, he began scratching at the door. I promptly let him in, he jumped on my lap and began licking my tears. Lil’ AJ would have been there to help, I’m sure…but he is refuses to jump from the high bed of Grammy’s.

I left my house (OMG) today to go to buy a new battery for my car (thanks to my daddy. I’m 41 years old and I live with my Mom and have to get financial help from, not only my ex-boyfriend, my daddy who is 683 miles away, I digress), the auto parts store is in the same shopping center as my place of employment—the one I haven’t actively worked for since late February of last year (I have a Bachelors Degree in Communications, yet I am willingly was employed by a supermarket).

I got re-hired at my job working in a supermarket. I choose to work there because I don’t have to use critical thinking, and I’m able to be around people. I don’t run a register (even though they initially wanted me to…stating that my attitude would be perfect. They had yet to learn of my problems with multi-tasking), rather I bag customers groceries and carry the bags to their car. I like that, because I am able to socialize with her customers now that I am more comfy in my duties when walking the groceries out and especially when sacking the groceries.

As I drove to the auto parts store, I drove by the supermarket in which I worked at for a little over two years; continuing to drive further into town. I pulled into the space where I thought the store was…and realized what the lady who works for the auto parts store meant when we spoke on the phone earlier. The parts store is in very same shopping center as the supermarket, where I work! Ha…

When I entered the auto parts store today, the familiar scent of… “man” brought me immediately back to almost 20 years ago. For my first true love and real boyfriend worked there, then. The familiar smell only made me miss him more than I already do.

I got in touch with his (my former bf from 20 years ago) sister close to his 40th birthday in September. I asked her (again) to please have him contact me. He still has not and I highly doubt that he will. He was my first love, and I realize that I will always love him, no, be IN LOVE WITH him. He knew me so well (probably because we knew the other since we were 11/12 years old and were good friends throughout high school…then one of the other’s best friends by the time we graduated). I trusted him implicitly, and he trusted me.

The auto parts store that brought those memories back (even more than they have been since a few months ago) because it is the same store he was employed by while he was in college. I made a comment to the people working there of how the smell of the store would always bring back fond memories of a boyfriend from 20 years ago because he worked for the same company while he was in college and I worked in radio.

While I was in the parts store, I made 2 new friends that both work there. One of them told me to come back and visit when I start back to work. I’m thinking that we may be able to grab lunch at the new food place next door.

Also, I’ve been chatting with my once future father-in-law sporadically, and most recently, over the past few days. He said this to me in a chat tonight; “I was always so sad I never got to say goodbye, I had already thought of u as my daughter…” and “…remember you and I were friends early on and I will never forget how you touched my heart.”

I told him that I found some things that he had sent me (he use to sell DMB memorabilia on eBay—before the government began taxing eBay sales), and I began recalling how I missed him and his son and the family. He informed me that he would always be my friend because I touched him so deeply in our online chats…and then before I was to become his daughter-in-law, he had already begun to think of me as his daughter when we spent time together. He said he was sad that he never got to say “goodbye” to me. I do miss my former fiancé‘a friendship and his family as well.

I’ve texted more often than I’ve spoken to my most recent ex-bf (I am beginning to see a pattern…always an “ex”) about my feeling worthless. He just responds with a generic thing or most of the time, he doesn’t even respond at all. He did respond 2 1/2 hours later with a screenshot of his friend’s message announcing his ‘cancer free’ status. WTF!? Here I am feeling hopeless, and he responds with that. I am happy for the friend…still, I don’t want MY life to continue. And as I type that, my baby boy snores so peaceful like.

Mom keeps telling me that we (meaning “you”) should get another dog…for Mr. Whiskey. She thinks he will be benefit from having a puppy around, since his other half, Princess Coco, passed in November of last year. I don’t tell her the real reason for my not wanting another dog being that I don’t want to have to make myself continue living. Besides, Mr. Whiskey and Lil’ AJ have been bonding, it seems. They are both 54 years old in human years, so it is only expected that they would not be as active.

I play with them daily. Although, it has been indoors, as of late because the weather is too cold for them to play outside. I’ll bundle up to go outside and play; put their coats on them, and when I’m ready to throw a toy for them to fetch…I look at the front door, and they are both trying to go inside after pottying. Ha! So, we play indoors.

I have been playing with them in the afternoon for a short while and again at night before I put them to bed. It isn’t the same, but it is exercise. Lil’ AJ gets spurts and wants to play, so I oblige him. He usually doesn’t play when Whiskey wants to.

Instead, I tell her that I don’t want the responsibility. Which is true, too. Having 3 dogs and working and tending to the duties at home (which Mom says I am absolutely no help, save for feeding the animals), is A LOT for me to contend with.

It’s as if she has forgotten what she use to preach to me when I’d haphazardly mention the future and my being better. She would tell me that the effects of sustaining a Brain Injury/having Brain Damage are forever.

And sometimes, as I have researched to solidify my belief that I am not crazy, those effects (I refer to them as “aftershocks”) aren’t fully recognized until many years later.

I’m sick of never having money and always having to be dependent on someone else. It’s my fault. I am sick of living; not that anyone should worry that I will do something drastic. I have my boys to think of.

I would attach the video for the song I referenced, but all I can locate are videos on YouTube.

F— YouTube.

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