I’m still me. I’ve been duped into believing that I am unable to “do this on my own.” Partly, because I have said that exact phrase…a few times–to the “man” who claims to be my best friend. He had me believing it, too (that he is my ‘best friend’).
Only, I’m finally completely clear in my head. If he was, in fact, my best friend; he would not choose to bring my most negative moments up when he fears that he is losing me.
He lost me years ago…I only let him back in because I was feeling as if I could not survive and live the way I had become accustomed to living, without his (monetary) influence.
He realizes this…yet, he brings up the most negative moments in which I entrusted him with my (current–at the time of sharing) feelings. He reminds me that I said those things about not believing I can do this alone (without him).
I was willing to be unhappy in my heart, simply because I knew that I could depend on him to take care of me–and to give me the things I wanted/needed. That is not at all the woman I said I was going to be…especially at 39 years old!
I was so scared…to be alone.
July 20, 2019
On my mind (again?) 