(ch)Risk day 3

Saturday, Nov. 3 — Write something risky. You know, that post you’ve always wanted to write but didn’t because you’re afraid of how your readers will react. You’re afraid of what your family and friends will think. Yes, that one. That’s the post you need to write and you need to write it right now. I did just that earlier this year. That post received more comments than anything I’ve ever published online and received more page views than nearly all other posts to WriteousBabe.com. (In case you’re interested, you can read the post here: http://www.writeousbabe.com/2012/07/why-im-reluctant-to-write-about-not.html)

 


Okay…”risky.” Well, I feel as if everything I write is risky. The personal things that I write anyway. Because, for me, Writing is simply thinking through my fingers and the thoughts I ‘write’ are usually the most plaguing emotions that I am experiencing at a particular moment.

Writing has always been my emotional outlet; as most prominently displayed through the poetry I wrote in the early 2000s (mainly when I was dating Pooky; one of my best friends since high school and my absolute best friend at the time we were romantically involved).

With Pooky, I found myself getting frustrated because he never seemed to hear what I was trying to say to him. I mean, sure, he understood what I was saying about needing something in our relationship to change and he would even try his hardest to change particular things about his actions/lack thereof. We were kids, so it was a much more confusing road to travel for both of us regarding relationships. 

I do not hate Pooky, I never could. I recognize where not only he “messed up;” I also recognize (and admit) where I messed up. In the beginning, it was ‘child’s play’ so I was giving him many chances after something that caused us to break up and he was doing the same. We both felt that our love was worth fighting for and far too strong to just give up.

I haven’t ANY hard feelings toward him for the past, especially because I am the one to “let him go” even after our relationship when we TRIED to date again. I chose to focus on school and get out of the crazy relationship that I assumed it would have turned into, even if he had grown up.

I was nowhere near matured since our last try before my TBI. He was even holding out for me (he never said that, but I know him…know him very well) when I moved to New York. He may have casually dated some people and only when I gave him “permission” to move on, did he do so.

I was living on Long Island and I was feeling as if Yankee was planning on asking me to marry him. Then Yankee would “drop hints” and after the 3rd or 4th one, I started to see that he was planning on making the move…and I was fairly certain that he was saving to buy me an engagement ring. I was planning to accept his proposal.

It was then that I decided I should let Pooky know that there was no chance of my ever coming back home to the south. I still loved Pooky. Yankee knew that, because he and I did not hide things from the other. Yankee understood that I would forever LOVE Pooky even if I was not IN LOVE with him.

In an E-mail to Pooky, I told him that I had fallen in love. I said that the man with whom I had fallen in love would propose marriage soon and that I would accept. I wanted him to feel “okay” about no longer thinking in the back of his mind that we ever had another chance. I explained that I felt deeply for him and I cherished the memories we made together as both lovers and also friends. Pooky never responded…

I explained to Yankee how his full first namewas a fave of mine when I was a child and that the name he was given at birth would FOREVER be my favorite male name. I said I always wanted to name a son (if I ever had one) ‘Pooky’ but that is where he drew the line…understandably so (on a side note, Yankee and I agreed on ‘Vincent/Vinnie’).

This post is the one I have wanted to write for so long, but always decided not to because of, well, how friends/readers would react. I also did not want to make his girlfriend feel that I wanted Pooky back romantically. However, I DO want him back in my life as a friend. He and I were incredibly close and good friends without any romantic things happening. It was pure chance and after a long period of no longer being in the other’s life that we decided to date each other…

I still think about Pooky every single day. Not in the romantic way, either. I miss him terribly. I ‘FB’ his girlfriend a lot…I guess because she has a tie to him. I’m not sure; I do like her and I always have. I just wish I could see Pooky again…or even speak to him. Heck, a text message/an E-mail…something.

I was literally scared to have to say goodbye to the possibility of our being friends when I married Yankee. I confessed that to Yankee…it took him a little bit, but he finally agreed to my wish to invite him (along with Pooky’s girlfriend and his family) to our wedding. When Yankee did that, I felt as if a humongous weight had been lifted. Yankee understood that I wanted Pooky there as my FRIEND, not the ex-boyfriend.

Sure, it was going to be a little difficult on my heart; of that, I was certain. But I was going to be marrying someone I dearly loved and I did not see that having him (Pooky) at my wedding where I married another man would be too devastating at all.

Admittedly, when I found out on ‘Facebook’ that Pooky was dating a FB pal/woman with whom we attended high school; my heart felt a stab of pain…I admitted this to Yankee. Then after the pain went away as quickly as it came; I was so supremely happy that Pooky had found someone…it truly did not look as if he would ever after we broke up. I’m not full of myself, I’m just honest.

I realize that the prompt calls for writing ONE thing that has been on your mind yet you were afraid to post…but the previous paragraph made me recall how I felt about getting married and “giving up” my friendship with my male friends. I wouldn’t have given up the friendship completely, but I know it would have been strained simply because Yankee did not “get” it.

The ONE person that it bugged me the most to “give up” is a guy that I was good, good friends with in high school and the two of us became closer when he was in college and I was doing “the radio thing.” I would go hang out with him & two other friends on weekends that Pooky and I were arguing (so the majority of weekends).

I had such a wonderful time with them. I’ve always been closer to males…and I am okay with being JUST FRIENDS with a man. Pooky did not care for the guys I went to see and spend the night at their apartment when they were in college; I always visited ONLY if Pooky and I were arguing.

I did not want to have to do that again. I was scared to be married because I realized I would lose so much of myself because of my soon-to-be husband’s lack of understanding. Anyway…I am so excited to have MY friends back and the one I previously spoke of is who I would miss the most (and yes, Yankee was aware of this—I told him about missing my friend and also about how I missed Pooky so much, MANY times).

Writing this is a bit risky so I feel as if I met the challenge!

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