Looking In (sic) [my FIRST poem]

It seems like I have posted this previously…but I cannot locate it, so I am posting it again(?). This is the very first poem I ever wrote. I remember it vividly. I recall what house and what room I was in…I typed this on a TYPEWRITER! I failed to date the poem, but I am thinking it was 1994/1995…I can still recite the poem in my thoughts and also verbally.

Looking In

You look at me and see the girl

Who lives inside the golden world

But don’t believe

That’s all there is to see

You’ll never know the real me.

She smiles through a thousand tears

And harbors adolescent fears

She dreams of all that she can never be

She wades in insecurity

And hides herself inside of me.

Don’t say she takes it all for granted

I’m well aware of all I have

Don’t think that I am disenchanted

Please Understand (sic)

It seems as though I’ve always been

Somebody outside lookingin (sic)

Well here I am for all of them to bleed

But they cant (sic) take my heart from me

And they can’t bring me to my knees

They’ll never know the real me.

8|16|00

LIES

RUSH OVER ME

THE COLDNESS STEALS MY BREATH

THE ACID BURNS

my heart in the pit of my stomach

my pulse races

almost as if in a rhythmic pattern

my body trembles

head to toe

can’t control my limbs

feel like I’m watching from afar

out of body experience

frigid insides

the sound of heart slowly cracking

sobbing continuously

the wolf (meaning ‘wolf in sheeps clothing’) makes pleasant conversation

I want to scream!

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

a poser, a phony, a fake

scammed

the walls are building again

Why did I get so serious

thought we shared something special

all you wanted to share was the bed

paid a high price for a naïve girl

she fell in love with her best friend

he fell inside of her

she believes he cares

“I love you,” he repeats over and over

Trying to make it true

Ignore her pleas

you belong to no one

She does not own you

Don’t have to answer to her

You’ve got her wrapped around your finger

Or maybe something else

No need in explaining

“Fuck it, she doesn’t have a ring on her hand”

6|12|00

(again, I never thought I could feel so strongly for another man in my entire life. I was even honest with the New Yorker, and told him that Pooky was going to be imprinted on my heart forever. I had no idea I could feel this way again…until Mr. Big)

Am I in love with you? I really don’t know. I want to tell you that “I ❤ you” so many times throughout the day. If I do utter those words; I wonder what you will say. Will you look at me, stare deeply into my eyes, then caress my body to yours and whisper that you feel the same for me?

Or will you instinctively, almost immediately say, “I ❤ you, too”? I hope not. I want you to mean it, to feel it.

What if I would’ve told you that “I ❤ you” last night? Would you have been (sic) scared? Would the words, my feelings, freak you out?

I was contemplating saying it to you as I rested (sic) my head on your chest and you gently pulled me closer (as) you interrupted my thoughts with a long embrace (and said) “Brandy, I care about you so much.”

The words came out of nowhere, but I felt as though you had invaded my thoughts; my emotion for you. I think about you, about us, almost non-stop. I miss you when I’m not near you, even if you’re in the next room.

I think that you are beautiful. I’ve always watched you; your expressions. Those eyes, the brightest blue, and so cleverly set…deep, and revealing. The curve of your nose; sounds strange, but I love the way your nose is so perfectly shaped.

Your mischievious (sic) smile, makes my insides jump, my heart melt. The way your hand just interlocks w/ mine.

I don’t know what ‘love’ is to other people, and I’ve suppressed ever feeling it for someone (for so long) until it makes me question my own emotion. If I’m not in love w/ you, Pooky, I know that I’m falling. And all I want is for you to catch me and feel the same way about me.

5|14|00 (4Pooky)

NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE [not so] INNOCENT : )

I wrote this for Pooky almost 15 years ago…these words are so true for the newest (and FINAL romantic) heartache in my life. (Mr. Big) I will always love my best friend (from years ago), Pooky.

Many of the things I say about myself in the accompanying poem. I’ve put an asterisk beside what I think describes Mr. Big instead of myself; now that I have (FINALLY) outgrown those things.

5|14|00 4Pooky

you’re scared of falling, fearful of hurting;* are you really in so deep?

your expectations of me probably won’t turn out to be the girl you will eventually see.

She has an evilness about her, a coldness inside her, and an emptyness (sic) deep within. (this is both Mr. Big and me)

The hurt that burdens her soul will be the reason she takes your heart in her hands and twists & twists until it finally breaks. *

She’s angry and resentful.*

Completely vulnerable and scared to trust. *

She will bury herself deep inside your soul; only to escape without your knowledge.

All that will be left are her imprints on your heart, the memories in your mind, and her silhouette behind your eyes.

Her intentions are good, but isn’t that always the case? *

She’s horrified of the word ‘love’ *; not knowing if she’s ever been or if she will ever learn how.

Her presence will never be far from your thoughts as she slowly fades away into her own private place.

She has to leave before you have the chance to abandon her.

I want to be in love.

Can I ever fall so deep?

Give myself wholly and only to you; will I ever be able to?

Hold me.

Teach me.

Be patient with my indecisiveness.

Love me, console me.

Lose yourself in my eyes; my touch; our song.

Put me together,

Because I’ve fallen completely apart.

Who am I?

Will you help me decide?

Don’t pressure me, please fall for me.

No, don’t.
I’ll only hurt you, it’s all I know (how) to do.

I don’t know how to explain my feelings for you.

Socialization…

is what I’ve needed. Not alchy–hol…just needed some ‘normalcy’ again. Why this is deemed as meaning I am a “party girl,” doesn’t make sense. I only need to be socially accepted again. No one understands (or wants to understand) how difficult these past 10 year’s have been for me. I’m getting my confidence back. It’s NOT about anyone else…