My first TRUE love. That is a lot of the reason that I am going to share things I wrote so long ago. It helps me to understand myself…and in a way, it frees me (if that makes ANY sense). Again, I am not pining over Pooky or wanting him back in my life romantically (albeit, I do want him back in my life).
Boy, so much has happened over the last 2 weeks. I’m not sure if (Pooky) and I are still together or if we are broken up. (Saturday 2/24) I invited myself over to his house. I told him I was coming over whether he liked it or not. I said that I wanted to say a few things to him in person and it wouldn’t take but about 30 minutes (he lived an hour away from me at the time). He told me if I was just gonna bitch the whole time, then he didn’t want me there…w/ him & his buddies. I decided that he and I wanted and expected different things from one another. I had been telling him that I was not happy w/ our relationship and something(s) had to change or I couldn’t continue. I tell him I’m lonely. He doesn’t seem to understand. I can and would rather be lonely all alone. Anyway, I decided that he would never grow balls big enough to break up w/ me or tell me his true feelings. I thought that I would just give him an easy out. Especially since I was unhappy and incredibly lonely. Never in my life have I felt the way [for another that] I do for (Pooky). I never believed that I would ever know what it truly felt like to love someone. (FLASHBACK) When I realized I loved him (sic) I just couldn’t stop crying. He held me while I cried, he had no idea what was wrong w/ me. (FLASHBACK OVER) Maybe I’ve become cynical, but the way I feel now…my heart aches, I feel completely foolish, (sic) I begin to wonder how I allowed myself to just give in. I’ve always thought that no matter how much or how long you love someone, (sic) you always end up hurting. Anyway, I went to his house, prepared to say my piece; break it off w/ him, grab my shit and leave. All w/ no tears. I was so ready to Just do it. (sic) Then I pulled in his driveway and it hit me…what if he didn’t try to stop me? What if he acted relieved that I let him go. (sic) Confused, (sic) I sat in my car saying the same thing to myself, “God, I don’t wanna do this,” over & over & over. I got the courage to walk onto the porch, but I couldn’t bring myself to knock.