“I’M NOT SAYIN’ THERE WAS (sic) NOTHING WRONG, (sic) I JUST DIDN’T THINK YOU’D EVER GET TIRED OF ME.”
I JUST DID’NT (sic) WANNA LET YOU GET AWAY (from me)
I’m so unsure,
my feelings are real.
It’s driving me crazy
constantly wondering
how do you feel?
about me, about us
My worries,
are they reality?
reassurance
communication
I thought it was so simple
Is it obligation?
fear, uncertainty
what keeps you here?
two become one
I still feel so lonely
Sometimes I wonder
Are they right?
Is the hand I hold
the one that holds me down?
They don’t know you.
Do I really know me?
I see forever with you,
But I’m not sure of the forever I once dreamed of.
Could it be jealousy
ignorance
or pure honesty
Why do I care
I’m afraid that a small part <of me> agrees.
Oh God, what have I done?
What have I said?
I think I’m just scared.
They all say they know me
“Well I may not go to (H)eaven,
but I sure hope you go to Hell.”
Leave me alone.
Let me live MY life.
—-
This is a poem I began and never finished…it is written on the back of the paper that the poem above is written on.
I don’t live for you
I don’t tiptoe for you
I don’t try to make you happy
not doing what I want
I don’t try to
This is the first poem I wrote; I wrote it on a typewriter. It doesn’t have a date; but I can envision myself typing it and where I was. I would say that this was written in 1996 or 1997 (I was 16 or 17 years old). Of course, that is merely a guess…it is transcribed here EXACTLY how I have it typed on paper; hence the punctuation errors and digressions. I am able to recite this poem from memory; word for word, line for line, and I have been able to since it was written.
LOOKING IN
You look at me and see the girl
Who lives inside the golden world
But don’t believe
That’s all there is to see
You’ll never know the real me.
She smiles through a thousand tears
And harbors adolescent fears,
She dreams of all that she can never be
She wades in insecurity
And hides herself inside of me.
Don’t say she takes it all for granted
I’m well aware of all I have
Don’t think that I am disenchanted
Please Understand.
It seems as though I’ve always been
Somebody outside lookingin (sic)
Well here I am for all of them to bleed
But they can’t take my heart from me
And they can’t bring me to my knees
They’ll never know the real me.
