3|6|01

My first TRUE love. That is a lot of the reason that I am going to share things I wrote so long ago. It helps me to understand myself…and in a way, it frees me (if that makes ANY sense). Again, I am not pining over Pooky or wanting him back in my life romantically (albeit, I do want him back in my life).

 

Boy, so much has happened over the last 2 weeks. I’m not sure if (Pooky) and I are still together or if we are broken up. (Saturday 2/24) I invited myself over to his house. I told him I was coming over whether he liked it or not. I said that I wanted to say a few things to him in person and it wouldn’t take but about 30 minutes (he lived an hour away from me at the time). He told me if I was just gonna bitch the whole time, then he didn’t want me there…w/ him & his buddies. I decided that he and I wanted and expected different things from one another. I had been telling him that I was not happy w/ our relationship and something(s) had to change or I couldn’t continue. I tell him I’m lonely. He doesn’t seem to understand. I can and would rather be lonely all alone. Anyway, I decided that he would never grow balls big enough to break up w/ me or tell me his true feelings. I thought that I would just give him an easy out. Especially since I was unhappy and incredibly lonely. Never in my life have I felt the way [for another that] I do for (Pooky). I never believed that I would ever know what it truly felt like to love someone. (FLASHBACK) When I realized I loved him (sic) I just couldn’t stop crying. He held me while I cried, he had no idea what was wrong w/ me. (FLASHBACK OVER) Maybe I’ve become cynical, but the way I feel now…my heart aches, I feel completely foolish, (sic) I begin to wonder how I allowed myself to just give in. I’ve always thought that no matter how much or how long you love someone, (sic) you always end up hurting. Anyway, I went to his house, prepared to say my piece; break it off w/ him, grab my shit and leave. All w/ no tears. I was so ready to Just do it. (sic) Then I pulled in his driveway and it hit me…what if he didn’t try to stop me? What if he acted relieved that I let him go. (sic) Confused, (sic) I sat in my car saying the same thing to myself, “God, I don’t wanna do this,” over & over & over. I got the courage to walk onto the porch, but I couldn’t bring myself to knock.

January 28, 2001

“I’M NOT SAYIN’ THERE WAS (sic) NOTHING WRONG, (sic) I JUST DIDN’T THINK YOU’D EVER GET TIRED OF ME.”

I JUST DID’NT (sic) WANNA LET YOU GET AWAY (from me)

I’m so unsure,

my feelings are real.

It’s driving me crazy

constantly wondering

how do you feel?

about me, about us

My worries,

are they reality?

reassurance

communication

I thought it was so simple

Is it obligation?

fear, uncertainty

what keeps you here?

two become one

I still feel so lonely

November 24, 2000

Sometimes I wonder

Are they right?

Is the hand I hold

the one that holds me down?

They don’t know you.

Do I really know me?

I see forever with you,

But I’m not sure of the forever I once dreamed of.

Could it be jealousy

ignorance

or pure honesty

Why do I care

I’m afraid that a small part <of me> agrees.

Oh God, what have I done?

What have I said?

I think I’m just scared.

They all say they know me

“Well I may not go to (H)eaven,

but I sure hope you go to Hell.”

Leave me alone.

Let me live MY life.

—-

This is a poem I began and never finished…it is written on the back of the paper that the poem above is written on.

I don’t live for you

I don’t tiptoe for you

I don’t try to make you happy

not doing what I want

I don’t try to

LOOKING IN

This is the first poem I wrote; I wrote it on a typewriter. It doesn’t have a date; but I can envision myself typing it and where I was. I would say that this was written in 1996 or 1997 (I was 16 or 17 years old). Of course, that is merely a guess…it is transcribed here EXACTLY how I have it typed on paper; hence the punctuation errors and digressions. I am able to recite this poem from memory; word for word, line for line, and I have been able to since it was written.

LOOKING IN

You look at me and see the girl

Who lives inside the golden world

But don’t believe

That’s all there is to see

You’ll never know the real me.

 

She smiles through a thousand tears

And harbors adolescent fears,

She dreams of all that she can never be

She wades in insecurity

And hides herself inside of me.

 

Don’t say she takes it all for granted

I’m well aware of all I have

Don’t think that I am disenchanted

Please Understand.

 

It seems as though I’ve always been

Somebody outside lookingin (sic)

Well here I am for all of them to bleed

But they can’t take my heart from me

And they can’t bring me to my knees

They’ll never know the real me.