I <3 Mom.

Today, she surprised me with a very sweet/thoughtful/heartfelt card. I use to get them from her all of the time, but it has been a while since I got one (understandably, so). It makes me so happy when I look where I have it proudly displayed on my dresser in my room.

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Regret

Is something I never felt when I thought of the beautiful lady who’s strong will I am proud to have inherited.

The most hurtful things I could do or say, I selfishly did (and said) to her.

I am not begging for forgiveness in a way that I want her to forget…

but for her to be able to heal the damaged trust in me.

Forgiveness?

I think that the better thing is that our treasured, loving relationship is finally being recalled actively remembered.

I feel much like the “angel-baby” of whom she was always so proud to have by her side.

I have longed for her to see show her love for me  in the same way,

and only now do I feel that she is beginning  to accept my…

Regret.

I’m sorry…

I have started many blogs since I have found it to be cumbersome to physically write (thanks to my parents; one of my former speech therapists, Perry Liles; my student adviser and “cheerleader” at JSU, Professor Jerry Chandler, my friend, Chris; Mom, and Jeff among MANY other folks, for “pushing” me to begin writing again). I utilized the blogs for a short period before starting a different one each time. I have since lost most of the information; I paid for this site (a nominal fee and I believe I will upgrade soon…), so I want to make THIS ‘the’ blog.

Writing has always been my creative outlet. I signed up for daily “prompts” (after I started one of the many blogs mentioned prior) to get my mind ready each day so that I would feel compelled to write in one of my blogs, and I still get the E-mail’s daily even if I do not utilize that blog. This is the message in the E-mail I received today…

“Here’s a question to inspire you to write in your journal titled ‘(insert witty title here)’: ‘I am sorry about…'”

I could start a completely different blog dedicated to answering this question. Instead, I will list a few things that are the ones I am most plagued by:

–First and foremost, I am extremely regretful for the way I reacted to my Mom’s concern about my beginning a relationship with the man I ended up almost marrying. Those actions of mine put a negative strain on my once extremely close relationship with my mother. As a teenager, I never rebelled and I was a teen during that part of the recovery and in my emotional state; so the typical rebellious tendencies reared their ugly heads

–I am sorry that my injury, and the consequential recovery process I had to endure forced my parents relationships with each other to change dramatically (even if I am not blamed) and not only my life, but their lives as well.

–I am sorry for the fact that I was not ready to have friends entertain me because of the minor differences in my personality.

–I am sorry that I took my ability to get an education for granted and that I took so many different classes as a teenager/young adult; classes that did not have a purpose for a particular degree.

–I am sorry that I have wasted so much of BOTH of my parents monies over the years.

–I am sorry that my reactions are delayed; that I am unable to react in a way to something that way that I would have before the TBI.

–I am sorry that everything is predicated by “…because I have brain damage/a brain injury).” However true it may be, it is not something I wish to remember. My most recent digression is on between a friend and me and it is completely my fault that we ever disagreed with the other.

–I am sorry that my relationship has been damaged with all of my close friends(mainly due to the injuries I sustained in 2004).

–I am sorry that my memory issues hurt a new friend and made me forget about our new friendship; thereby using negative words.

These are only a select few of the things I am sorry for…