If I do not care…

then why do I worry? A fairly recent digression occurred between me and another person is one that has baffled me. I haven’t any real connection to this person, so why do I care that I have been suddenly put into the “trash” bin of that individual’s contacts? Okay, the digression that occurred was after I was placed into this “trash pile.”

I have questioned the person as to why I am no longer included in the group of friends and it is said that I should not worry with it and “if (I) think that (I am) faultless, then that is all that matters.” Geez…I think I am faultless because I am not aware of any negative thing occurring between the two of us. I have memory issues so I don’t remember many things.

I requested understanding why I am no longer considered a friend only when my numerous messages were “ignored” (it was said that they never received the messages, and I am unable to locate any proof that I sent them…). Truthfully, I say that I do not wish for the person to be in my life…but suddenly this person has befriended all of my old friends, so there must be some “good” to the friendship they offer. That shouldn’t bother me…right?

(a letter for my big brother, Jerry)

Jerry,

I’m so sorry. Im sorry I thought you would grow out of your frustration. Im sorry I thought you would learn better coping skills. Im sorry that I was frightened and unsure of how to react when you were in that home. Im sorry I ever let our bond be “forgotten” by distance, time, or my anger w/ our Dad. Im also sorry I never told you how grateful I am to have you as the big brother.Im sorry I didn’t call you a couple of wks before you took your body from us. Maybe I could have helped you find a better way out. Im sorry you’ll never know how much I love you, or how angry I am w/ you right now.

p 35

my ritual for Jerry

We will be outside, sun shining, standing close. Very few people will attend, only b/c you feel self conscious, not b/c you are not loved.

We connected b/c we understood one another. We needed each other.

We would laugh @ breakfast, giggle @ bedtime. Watch “Robin Hood: Men In Tights” and laugh until our sides ached.

1) Jerry showed me what having a big brother is like.

2) Jerry showed me that ppl can see your inner being and love you all the same.

3) Jerry crushed me by leaving us.

4) Jerry angered me by giving up.