6.11.00

Am I in love with you? I really don’t know. I want to tell you that “I ❤ U” so many times throughout the day. If I do utter those words, I wonder what you will say. Will you look at me, stare deeply into my eyes, then caress my body to yours and whisper that you feel the same for me? Or will you instinctively, almost immediately say “I ❤ U too”? I hope not. I want you to mean it; to feel it.What if I would’ve told you that I ❤ you last  night? Would you have been scared? Would the words, my feelings; freak you out? I was contemplating saying it to you as I rested my head on your chest and you gently  pulled me closer; when you interrupted my thoughts w/ a long embrace by saying “Brandy, I care about you so much.”

The words came out of nowhere, but I felt as though you had invaded my thoughts; my emotion for you. I think about you, about us, almost non-stop. I miss you when I’m not near you, even if you’re in the next room.

I think that you are beautiful. I’ve always watched you, your expressions. Those eyes, the brightest blue and so cleverly set…deep, and revealing. The curve of your nose sounds strange, but I love the way your nose is so perfectly shaped. Your mischievous smile makes my insides jump; my heart melt. The way your hand just interlocks w/ mine. I don’t know what love is to other people. And I’ve suppressed ever feeling it for someone until it makes me question my own emotion; if I’m not in love with you, Chris, I know that I am falling! And all I want is for you to catch me and (to) feel the same way about me.

5/15/00

I don’t know what’s to become of us. I don’t know if opening up to you was wise. For you to be such a sweet, caring person; you sure can seem like such an asshole. Today, I wonder if you and I could possibly work if we became a couple; how would that be? We both have major attitudes; chips on our shoulders. I wonder if we would only argue, if our different views and personalities would cause us to hate each other. You said that you’re scared that you will fall in love with me. Maybe it’s just the idea of me. I’m not who I seem to be. Could I be trying to make you believe you don’t know who I am b/c (sic) I’m frightened of you (or anyone) loving me?

5/14/00 4Pooky

you’re scared of falling, fearful of hurting, are you really in so deep? your expectations of me probably won’t turn out to be the girl that you will eventually see. She has an evilness about her, a coldness inside her, and an emptyness (sic) within. The hurt that burdens her soul will be the reason she takes your heart in her hands and twists and twists until it finally breaks. She’s angry and resentful. Completely vulnerable and scared to trust. She will bury herself deep inside your soul only to escape without your knowledge. All that will be left are her imprints on your heart, the memories in your mind and her silhouette behind your eyes. Her intentions are good, but isn’t that always the case? She’s horrified of the word ‘love,’ not knowing if she’s ever been or if she will ever learn how. Her presense (sic) will never be far from your thoughts as she slowly fades away into her own private place. She has to leave before you have the chance to abandon her.

I want to be in love. Can I ever fall so deep? Give myself wholly and only to you, will I ever be able to? Hold me. Teach me. Be patient with my indecisiveness. Love me, console me. Lose yourself in my eyes, my touch, our song. Put me together, because I’ve fallen completely apart. Who am I? Will you help me decide? Don’t pressure me; please fall for me. No, don’t. I’ll only hurt you; it’s all I know to do. I don’t know how to explain my feelings for you.

5.13.2000

I want you to understand the way I’ve always felt about you. How I longed to feel your lips touch mine. The way I would ache inside as you walked hand-in-hand with her; away from me. Out friendship was something I treasured. I could never express myself to you, because I feared I would lose you forever. Perhaps I was actually afraid of gaining you; I mean, as much more than a friend. I’ve wanted to be with you for such a long time. And now that you know this; I’m vulnerable and yet again, very frightened.