I hate living.

I’m not “crying for help.” I am not contemplating suicide/having suicidal thoughts. Simple as my title for this entry says: I hate living.

I love my boys.

Lil’ AJ
Mr. Whiskey

My EX BOYFRIEND is still in my life, and he kicked us out of HIS HOUSE (mine and the baby’s home…or so we thought), what, close to 3-4 years ago?HUD wants me (us—the boys) back and I do not ever want to go back to that lifestyle.

Sure, there are good things about his being the one with whom we live. Yet, all of those good things center around being financially taken care of.

HUD changed his dental appointment so that it coincided with mine. Then, he said that he would pick me up because it’s on his way. I think that perhaps one of the receptionists orchestrated that.

He picked me up, and we went to the dentist together. I went in for a cleaning and my new hygienist (thank God, I like her so much better than the one who “cleaned” my teeth before. The new lady (her name escapes my mind—maybe ‘Casi’)!doesn’t TALK bc (like the hygienist before her did)—requiring me to answer her ridiculous questions with her fingers and dental instruments inside my mouth, mind—and, it truly feels as if my teeth are being cleaned! They are not simply poked at. I believe my former hygienist was too sickeningly sweet to possibly cause any discomfort: whereas, this new lady is gentle, yet affective with her work.

My back bottom teeth were always having to be cared for (I had a crown and a root canal—thanks to HUD), this time, my top left back tooth has a small cavity forming. I am baffled because I take care of my teeth. I floss, brush, use mouthwash… [February, 17, 2021–the reason that my teeth are now becoming prone to cavities, is due to my head injury! Apparently, it is common to have acid reflux after a TBI…and that causes damage to your teeth/enamel. My dentist informed me that I more than likely experience acid reflux in my sleep. He doesn’t know about the correlation with TBI…well, he is aware, now that I’ve told him).

The hygienist was telling me that she takes excellent care of her teeth; whereas, her husband does not and he never has cavities but she does. It’s annoying. HUD doesn’t floss, but he does use mouthwash and brushes at least twice a day. He never has any issues. Anyway, he paid for my visit today…and he is going to pay for my next visits. I didn’t ask him to, he volunteered.

HUD is so boring. He talks about the most boring topics; it’s as if he doesn’t have any social skills. But, if he heard me say that, he would say that he socializes every day. Which brings me to another thing that bugs the piss out of me about him. He socializes by meeting folks at a bar. He is a functional alcoholic.

I should have caught on when we went to 🇬🇧 UK (England, specifically…back when it was still a part of the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 ) in our first few months of dating. I simply assumed that he wanted to go to the pub (RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET from our flat, mind) because that is where the people he knew were. Partly, that is true. Whilst in 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 England 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 , I ventured out to see the country only a handful of times (yes, 2, maybe 3, times were with HUD; while the others were with folks who live there). HUD always went to the pub…ALWAYS. I was in another country for the first time, and all he could show me with any sort of intelligence, is the pub that he first went to and made friends years prior.

HUD still has the mindset of a teenager…meaning that he spends his money on CHILDISH things. But, it is his money, and he earned it; and I was never in need of anything nor were the baby’s when bc we lived with him; so, of course, I didn’t dare to complain.

He listens to the music that he wants and watches what he wants on television…even when someone is at his house. Granted, it was rare when I lived with him…but, even if my Mom was over (which eventually stopped when he dog cussed her the first couple of times); he never asked her what she wanted to listen to or what she wanted to watch. It was ALWAYS ESPN or Marvel stuff. Or even stupid music that the guest has no in interest in.

He still doesn’t get when I gripe about my mother that he does not have the right to agree nor gripe about the same things. He should just shut up and let me get things off of my chest, instead of offering agreement or extrapolation. My Mom will always have my love and I feel as if he was always jealous of my love for my Mom…almost in competition for it.

I honestly believe that he was jealous of my relationship with Mom because he was envious. He has always been downright rude to her—never taking into consideration that she is my Mom, he says/does whatever he wants, with no regard to the fact that the woman made me who I am. Nor that he should respect her. True, Mom is only 11 years his senior…still, I always begged him to at least pretend to respect her for my sake. I’m not sure that he understood then nor does he understand now. Of course, I am his only real romantic relationship…he was 38 when we got together.

I’ve had to teach him how to be in a relationship with a woman. He truly never respected my family.

I’m so sick of life.

It’s official…

I am officially a supermarket employee, once more. I absolutely love working at a supermarket (it is my favorite work…after working in large-market FM radio broadcasting). I miss working at the supermarket… and I LOVE it.

I informed a higher up as she was putting me back into the system, that I have a Bachelors Degree, but I LOVED working there. She told me that a lot of people who work there at the supermarket who have college degree’s. I understand now what the woman meant…she was referring to people in the management positions; whereas I was referring to the lowest position.

I was hired in at a pay rate that is one dollar more than I was originally hired in to earn. I get to work with my BFF, again. 🤓 I hope to see him, the customer that I had finally begun to make progress with, sooner than later, preferably.

AND my employee number is the same as before! Tuesday is my first day back (I will be doing computer work).

Oh, how I have missed you…

work.

I went in today so that I could be put back into the system on the company database. I was originally hired on Wednesday June 13, 2018…I took off in late February of last year. And I was officially re-hired today, Thursday January 14, 2021. It was so comforting to be back. Mom says quite often, that I love that job. And I do LOVE working there.

I realize that not everyone had the luxury of being able to take off of work because of the virus (which I now see was a mistake…yes, the virus is deadly; yes, it is not something to stop living for). Sure, there are a great deal many of new faces at work, but it was so refreshing to see the “old” faces I so fondly recall.

I believe that I was hired in at $11.00 an hour today and that is more than I was making upon leaving for my “sabbatical” almost one year ago. But, I’m sure it is a cost-of-living raise.

I love working there. I’m excited to start back to work…I’ll only get a maximum of 15 hours…because I do not need to lose my meager disability check.

What’s this life for?

Scott Stapp wrote my feelings for 2021 back in 1997…ALMOST 25 years ago. I am sick of living, yet my baby’s are what keep me willingly getting out of bed each morning. My baby boy, Lil’ AJ lost his hu-mommy, then 2 years later, he lost his dog-mommy AND his sister in the same year (six months apart). I can’t make him go through losing another. Still, he is so loving—timid, as always, with so much love to give.

Mr. Whiskey…he is nothing but love (and playful tug-of-war). Mom and I had a heated argument today, and I sat down in the floor of my bedroom and UGLY sobbed…loudly. The door was closed and almost completely shut; I heard my baby boy jump down from the “Grammy bed” in the next room and race to my bedroom door. When he couldn’t push it open, he began scratching at the door. I promptly let him in, he jumped on my lap and began licking my tears. Lil’ AJ would have been there to help, I’m sure…but he is refuses to jump from the high bed of Grammy’s.

I left my house (OMG) today to go to buy a new battery for my car (thanks to my daddy. I’m 41 years old and I live with my Mom and have to get financial help from, not only my ex-boyfriend, my daddy who is 683 miles away, I digress), the auto parts store is in the same shopping center as my place of employment—the one I haven’t actively worked for since late February of last year (I have a Bachelors Degree in Communications, yet I am willingly was employed by a supermarket).

I got re-hired at my job working in a supermarket. I choose to work there because I don’t have to use critical thinking, and I’m able to be around people. I don’t run a register (even though they initially wanted me to…stating that my attitude would be perfect. They had yet to learn of my problems with multi-tasking), rather I bag customers groceries and carry the bags to their car. I like that, because I am able to socialize with her customers now that I am more comfy in my duties when walking the groceries out and especially when sacking the groceries.

As I drove to the auto parts store, I drove by the supermarket in which I worked at for a little over two years; continuing to drive further into town. I pulled into the space where I thought the store was…and realized what the lady who works for the auto parts store meant when we spoke on the phone earlier. The parts store is in very same shopping center as the supermarket, where I work! Ha…

When I entered the auto parts store today, the familiar scent of… “man” brought me immediately back to almost 20 years ago. For my first true love and real boyfriend worked there, then. The familiar smell only made me miss him more than I already do.

I got in touch with his (my former bf from 20 years ago) sister close to his 40th birthday in September. I asked her (again) to please have him contact me. He still has not and I highly doubt that he will. He was my first love, and I realize that I will always love him, no, be IN LOVE WITH him. He knew me so well (probably because we knew the other since we were 11/12 years old and were good friends throughout high school…then one of the other’s best friends by the time we graduated). I trusted him implicitly, and he trusted me.

The auto parts store that brought those memories back (even more than they have been since a few months ago) because it is the same store he was employed by while he was in college. I made a comment to the people working there of how the smell of the store would always bring back fond memories of a boyfriend from 20 years ago because he worked for the same company while he was in college and I worked in radio.

While I was in the parts store, I made 2 new friends that both work there. One of them told me to come back and visit when I start back to work. I’m thinking that we may be able to grab lunch at the new food place next door.

Also, I’ve been chatting with my once future father-in-law sporadically, and most recently, over the past few days. He said this to me in a chat tonight; “I was always so sad I never got to say goodbye, I had already thought of u as my daughter…” and “…remember you and I were friends early on and I will never forget how you touched my heart.”

I told him that I found some things that he had sent me (he use to sell DMB memorabilia on eBay—before the government began taxing eBay sales), and I began recalling how I missed him and his son and the family. He informed me that he would always be my friend because I touched him so deeply in our online chats…and then before I was to become his daughter-in-law, he had already begun to think of me as his daughter when we spent time together. He said he was sad that he never got to say “goodbye” to me. I do miss my former fiancé‘a friendship and his family as well.

I’ve texted more often than I’ve spoken to my most recent ex-bf (I am beginning to see a pattern…always an “ex”) about my feeling worthless. He just responds with a generic thing or most of the time, he doesn’t even respond at all. He did respond 2 1/2 hours later with a screenshot of his friend’s message announcing his ‘cancer free’ status. WTF!? Here I am feeling hopeless, and he responds with that. I am happy for the friend…still, I don’t want MY life to continue. And as I type that, my baby boy snores so peaceful like.

Mom keeps telling me that we (meaning “you”) should get another dog…for Mr. Whiskey. She thinks he will be benefit from having a puppy around, since his other half, Princess Coco, passed in November of last year. I don’t tell her the real reason for my not wanting another dog being that I don’t want to have to make myself continue living. Besides, Mr. Whiskey and Lil’ AJ have been bonding, it seems. They are both 54 years old in human years, so it is only expected that they would not be as active.

I play with them daily. Although, it has been indoors, as of late because the weather is too cold for them to play outside. I’ll bundle up to go outside and play; put their coats on them, and when I’m ready to throw a toy for them to fetch…I look at the front door, and they are both trying to go inside after pottying. Ha! So, we play indoors.

I have been playing with them in the afternoon for a short while and again at night before I put them to bed. It isn’t the same, but it is exercise. Lil’ AJ gets spurts and wants to play, so I oblige him. He usually doesn’t play when Whiskey wants to.

Instead, I tell her that I don’t want the responsibility. Which is true, too. Having 3 dogs and working and tending to the duties at home (which Mom says I am absolutely no help, save for feeding the animals), is A LOT for me to contend with.

It’s as if she has forgotten what she use to preach to me when I’d haphazardly mention the future and my being better. She would tell me that the effects of sustaining a Brain Injury/having Brain Damage are forever.

And sometimes, as I have researched to solidify my belief that I am not crazy, those effects (I refer to them as “aftershocks”) aren’t fully recognized until many years later.

I’m sick of never having money and always having to be dependent on someone else. It’s my fault. I am sick of living; not that anyone should worry that I will do something drastic. I have my boys to think of.

I would attach the video for the song I referenced, but all I can locate are videos on YouTube.

F— YouTube.