Life is looking up for me. Getting a job at a grocery store where my crush works…is probably the best thing I have done in quite a long time; my crush is becoming just a pretty thing for me to look at/watch. I’m “right at home,” and becoming the ‘social butterfly’ I remember so fondly. I am not at all insecure. I love my job.
I broke up with HUD and I took my babies and we moved into an apartment that Mom found for me. Mom knew how unhappy I was living with and being in a relationship with HUD; she called me on Wednesday, September 12, and told me to check my E-mail because she sent me a link to an apartment that accepts not just one dog, but multiple dogs!
I immediately looked at the link she had also sent me via text; I fell in love with the apartment. Mom said to me on the phone, “Okay, now, it is a basement apartment; but it is nothing like the one in New York…it has windows!”
Mom and I watched General Hospital and an ugly woman was at some girl’s grave and it was like the woman was voicing how I was feeling.
Saw 2 red birds, then we went into Ross in Trussville. Mom and I were in different areas of the store, and we heard a dog bark (inside the store). I heard Mom say something about a puppy, and I saw her walk over to the dog, who was in a buggy being pushed by his owner.
A little later, I was near the checkout lane, as the lady with the dog was walking toward the checkout. I pet the dog; he kept licking my face and wagging his tail erratically. The lady told me that the pup’s name is AJ when I asked.
Mom came over, and recognized the woman was trying to checkout. immediately after, we met a woman whose husband had died with the same things that Nana suffered with (breathing problems, not being able to speak coherently, could no longer walk). We told the lady about Nana passing with similar issues.
After leaving Ross; as mom turned onto West Hill Road, I began crying softly because I knew Nana wasn’t in the house waiting. Mom grabbed my hand to comfort me. I wasn’t aware that she could hear my sobbing. I think she just knew how it was affecting me when she grabbed my hand in a loving way.
As we were going up the hill; a red bird flew lowly across the street in front of the car. Mom smiled, and clutched my hand tighter; she said something about Nana letting me know she was okay. I smiled, and through my tears, I said; “Hi, Nana!”
When we went inside Nana’s house; Mom and I watched Golden Girls. Blanche was hearing the voice of her grandmother who died.
It was assumed that I would be depressed and likely suicidal when I sustained the TBI and was released from being in the hospital in March of 2004. I was prescribed many anti-depression medications, and “forced” to swallow them daily. Mom did not like that I was having to take the pills; the doctor’s told my Mom & Jeff that the anti-depression medication was also helping to heal my brain or some BS. So, I unwillingly took them.
The anti-depression pills were to also help me cope with how drastically different the life I remembered had turned out. I begged my neurologist to take me off of them; Dr. Markert informed me that I would have to talk to Dr. (I just lost the name–NOVACK) about being taken off of the prescription. I asked him to take me OFF of the anti-depression medication, but he refused.
I am not sure why (possibly because it was still “new” since my accident) he would not allow me to be taken off of the prescription at that time; I continued to take the dreaded pills for a little while longer. When I visited Dr. Novack again; I requested that I be allowed to discontinue taking them. Finally, he approved it…I remember that I explained to him, “Sure, my life has changed…but, I am not going to kill myself! I feel lucky to be alive and able to complain!”
Over the past few years; I have had “I wish I were dead” thoughts. I have told a few folks…I suppose I was reaching for help (because I am very sad)…not a single one has taken me seriously (Jamie, Mom, Kacy, Jason…etc). That, or they are just spooked by hearing that and not sure how to help me. Mom gets angry at me…the last time I told her I think about killing myself; she said to me: “Do it” with a look of pure disgust, and mean ness in her eyes. She has her own BS to deal with…still, I honestly wanted to. But, I do not want to slit my wrists or put a gun in my mouth. I’d rather just go…peacefully.
Then, I think of how my Mom is going to react to my suicide (even if she told me to “Do it”) and I worry for her well being. Then, I think of Mr. Whiskey and Princess Coco. I’ve actually thought to myself quite often that I would go through with it…when my baby’s die. I do not want them to be taken care of by any other; nor do I trust anyone to treat them as well as I try to.
When I have told people; the folks will say, “Oh, Brandy…it’s going to get better” or something similar, and then change the subject or we endure an uncomfortable silence/change of subject (usually on my part because I don’t want the other person to feel strange or call some suicide hotline for me or something).
Being dead would solve not only my “problems,” but I truly think it would help my Mom’s “problems” with trying to get a place for ME to live, too. Then, I know she would “use” my death as a catalyst for her own suicide. And, I can’t allow that to happen.
See, all of these reasons NOT TO, make me understand that in the book definition of “depressed;” I do not fit it at all. I am sick and tired of LIFE. I also think that life could very well “just begin” when our Earthly body’s leave the world.
I am not willing to tell anyone again because I do realize that people scare easily and are not sure of what to say/do…the only person who wasn’t all “counselor-ish” to me is Matthew Jacobs. He responded (via FB messenger) that he felt the same…
I went to The Rogue Tavern, ALONE … tonight. I tried to go a few weeks ago (March 6), and Dustin sent me a text that had a screenshot of Erath Old’s status update, saying that he and Walker Hayes were re-scheduling for tonight due to Walker having strep.
This was the first time I have ventured out to the bar/concert scene since my wreck FOURTEEN YEARS ago. My good buddy, Dustin, was going to try to be there; but he ended up not being able to go. So, yes…I was “me” again–going out alone.
With the help of my GPS, I was able to locate the restaurant/bar. I found a good parking spot on the side of the building; and began to make my way to the entrance. I saw a WZZK vehicle parked on the street and some ZZK staff in the front of the restaurant. That was kind of comforting and also very disheartening. I remember very well being the girl who helped set up the “remote’s.” I was missing that (greatly) as I saw the 20-something-year-old “adults” doing everything I once did myself in preparation for a small concert. I was wanting to stop them and say: “CHERISH THIS TIME…it is likely going to be your most fond memory to have.” But, of course, I just smiled and continued my trek into the restaurant/bar.
As I walked in the door, a very attractive man was walking out of the establishment and headed for the door. It took me only a moment to realize that the dreamy man, was the very same man I had come to watch perform…Walker Hayes! I said to him, “Hello Walker; my name is Brandy…and I want you to know that your CD has not left my player in 3 months. I’ve been playing the CD on ‘repeat! I love every song on the disc.” He smiled and genuinely thanked me. I was desperately searching my memory to tell him what songs, in particular, stood out to me. After he witnessed me thinking with no luck, he said: “Craig?” That took me off guard, so I just agreed–because, honestly, I have been listening to that song frequently. However, I knew that was not the song that I was thinking about…